Friday, May 05, 2006
May 05, 2006
today was terrible. i don't know why. everything was fine in the morning, but from the moment i got home.. crying jag from 2 - 7. nonstop. i thought i would be fine once i indulged a little and allowed myself to cry everything out but it doesn't work this way. i felt really lethargic but i've been lying down for too long.
every two hours i'll check the computer. no reply. he doesn't even view my profile anymore. and i'm being perpetually blocked. i still left him in personals. am i now in his list of females? are my letters removed, my msges deleted?
the vomitting is getting worst. without eating at all i can still manage to vomit. to the point that i'm too tired to even vomit, it still rushes up. and new afflictions of the day, sore throat and flu.
i'm now taking six different forms of medication today. but he can't even be bothered to reply me. he's so heartless.. whatever happened to his promises of love? i remember the time he came over once he returned from the hospital just because i was ill. sigh.. i wish he can be here, i wish he'll just contact me but at the same time i'm afraid i'll never let him go once he does.
i imagine how it'll be like if he comes over and just take care of me for the night. it'll be like a dream. but what will it be the next day when he leaves for good?
this is the first time i've been so desperately contacting someone for so long and doing so much with totally no reciprocation. a clean demand to break up. i've never been on the receiving end.. this is a first.
he told me there's nobody new. but if there isn't, why doesn't he care anymore..?
everyday is a hard journey for me. even when i want to sleep.. i still can't bring myself to before coming online, checking his friendster, checking mine, checking my blog..
life seems so bleak and cheerless. a future without him.. i see no point in it. what if life goes on like this everyday? how can i live like this? it's so painful. so pointless.
i've no strength to study. but i know i must. it's a critical year..
right now if i've a choice i'll want to leave. to die. but i know it's foolish of me. if i don't die, the pain will be worst. if i do die, won't i regret it? i'll be 18 next year. deep inside i know 18 will be a good year. new courses, new friends, driving license, the legal age and everything.
but it's still a long way from now.. can i get through this?
posted by joviee @ 8:17:00 PM