; the trouble with love


yes well, i have a conscience. it was this way with my boyfriend before as well, he ended his relationship with his girlfriend because i entered his life. and for weeks i rejected his advances because i read his ex's blog, and i felt guilty that i was the source of her pain and unhappiness.

and now, jh. yes, his gf is taking their break up extremely badly. and my conscience pricks me everytime i read her blog. like, i'm having fun with her ex and she's suffering?

she can't live without him. i can.

i'm gonna let him go, even though i know i'll miss him.

but we can still be friends yeah. (:
posted by joviee @ 1:43:00 AM





; out of the blue


okay. i guess i can't deny there's something between us after the holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing and basically your average couple thingy.

or is there?

is it only a one day thing, or do i want more?

i'm so reluctant to commit myself now after an abusive relationship. and i think he is too. he just doesn't realise that fact yet.

when he asked me who i was talking to on the phone, who i was texting, i felt stressed out. like, it was with s all over again. and i imagine myself going crazy over him getting numbers from other girls and things like that.

i don't want to go through all those again. jealousy, hurt. it's tiring.

but at the same time, being held, and wanted, kissed and protected felt good.

really good.
posted by joviee @ 2:15:00 AM





jh asked me today,

will you ever let anyone into you life ever again?

are you ready for a relationship?


the thing is, i dont' know.

i yearn, i crave for the intimacy and sweetness only a relationship can bring. when we were holding hands, lying on his shoulder i could feel his warmth despite the fact tt his hands were freezing cold.

but at the same time,

i'm afraid. i now have a phobia of relationships. i don't wanna lose my freedom. my friends, my life tt i've fought so hard to get back. also, i guess i'm terrified of getting hurt again.

i swear to myself, il never let anyone else ever say "i own jovina" again.

nobody shall own me.

i want love in my life, but not at the expense of friendships, freedom.
posted by joviee @ 4:37:00 AM





; why


am i imagining things, the day we left the other two playing pool, did we actually hold hands?

am i over-analyzing, or is he giving me hints i'm not decoding?


aah. i don't know.
posted by joviee @ 2:33:00 AM





; because of you


i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did
you fell so hard
i've learned the hard way t never let it get tt far

because of you i never stray too far frm the sideward
because of you i learned t play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard t trust not only me but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid

i lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because i know it's weakness in your eyes
i'm forced to fake a smile a laugh everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole t start with

i watched you die
i heard you cry every night in your sleep
i was so young you should know better than t lean on me
you never thought of anyone else
you just saw your pain

and now i cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing

because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
because of you i am afraid

because of you


posted by joviee @ 3:26:00 AM





; when you told me you loved me


mich says i sound happier.

am i really?

or am i just getting better at covering up my sadness and pain?
posted by joviee @ 2:41:00 AM





; you took my heart away


i was always very fond of him.

but now i find myself anticipating our chats online, hoping for his calls or texts.

he isn't handsome.

but he has the most adorable personality. voice too.

i think i like him.
posted by joviee @ 3:52:00 AM





; fuck i don't want you back


see i don't know why i liked you so much
i gave you all of my trust
i told you i loved you
now it's all down the drain
you put me through the pain
i wanna let you know i feel

fuck what i said it don't mean shit now
fuck the presents might as well throw them out
fuck all those kisses it didn't mean jack
fuck you you hoe i don't want you back

you thought you could keep this shit from me
you burn bastard i heard the story
you played me
you even gave her sex
now you're asking for me back
you're just another act
look elsewhere cos you're done with me

you question, did i care
you could ask anyone
i even said you were my great one
now it's over
but i do admit i'm sad
it hurts really bad
i can't sweat that cos i loved a whore
posted by joviee @ 3:40:00 PM


; life's like this


yesterday was.. complicated. lol.

mich and i went t cine. bought da vinci tickets. saw matthew. and he 'cute' famos amos guy.

whee. i couldn't wait t watch it!

then we headed t indochine. was good. she had strawberry magarita, i had lychee martini. and prawn quechelles. yeh with sugarcane inside. pretty good. the band was fabulous. i like!

oh yes, met my precious. he psycho, beg and treated entrance to indochine's chronic party. YAY. ahaha. so there was uh. precious, iain, some other guy(tt's his name yeh!), adam, dick. and timothy and adam later.

bumped into keith and yingting too! wth ahaha small world. AND arun and chris. ahaha he looks like taufik real life. really! cute cute (:

but the highlight of the evening's gotta be meeting shawn after sucha long time. oh god. i was walking over t cine t sell tickets, and i heard a JOVINA. OHMYFUCKINGGOD.

i gave him a HUGE MEGAWATT HUG. i couldn't help it. i miss him so much. he said i lost weight. lol. tt was what marleen and shermin(hi babes!) said when i bumped into them at cine later.

oh yes back to shawn. he looks the same. except more morose. more silent. the haunted look was back in his eyes. and as usual, i wished i could take his pain away. love you bro.

ok went to cine, met josh jimmy jerrick. no L**. STUPID JOSH DUAED ME PLEASE.

managed t sell tickets! yay! went back t indochine but.. they said the party was stupid. techno all lol. so SUA TIU. mos. then mos. guess what. WIN COULDN'T GET IT. so yes. sua tiu AGAIN.

btw sua tiu is an ahlien form of saying 'change locations'.

ended up at some ulu club at boatquay. i think i got a little wasted. i'm so weak lol. wasn't emo until tt stupid club played love songs. annoying.

interesting night last night.
posted by joviee @ 2:08:00 PM





; what goes around comes around


what comes up must go down.


heaven has no rage like loved to hatred turn'd.
hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.


it's called karma baby, and it goes around (:
posted by joviee @ 3:19:00 PM





; strike one


i should thank him for doing this to me. and thank myself for not picking up his call on tt day, as well as the way i mistreated him so badly in the past. lol.

i never knew what i was missing until today.

when i heard what my mom said t me, another girl, i gave it all up. all away. we've discussed this issue before. if there ever was a third party, it's byebyebye. i texted him for the last time, the last goodbye, and i went on

the perfect first date.

perfect, because of the mutual chemistry and attraction. mutual is important here.

with the ex, it was either him loving me too much, and me not reciprocating, then the other way round. now it's fair, square, equal. sweet(:

the poor guy actually wanted t go t ikoi sushi, but it was full and he felt so guilty so yes, we walked over to the riverside hotel and had another sushi buffet as well! he spent 100+ :x

i feel so relaxed with him. i'm not a material girl but yeh, it strains ties to know tt you have to worry about your guy's budget all the time. whether he can afford this, pushing money for movie tickets and stuff. so taxing -_-

i remember i didn't want a relationship in the first place. i wouldn't mind him being my boyfriend when we were hanging together, and when we're not, hey imma free girl! it's my life, i do what i like. but he ngehsi. lol. and in the end, i couldn't let go. a mistake, but now i see it so clearly. the feeling of being with someone, no strings attached, commitment free is so beautiful. so happy.

nestling in his chest, overpowered by the allure of the aftersmell of cigarette smoke and ralph lauren, blue.

cherished, protected, wanted.

the first kiss after sucha long time, tender and sweet, yet fierce, passionate and oh so yummy.

r: "eh i remember those lips. only there's metal now ;p"
j: "hey i remember those kisses. only it wasn't so wet then."

LOL.

lying in his bed, watching him smoking while using the comp, i felt a twinge of guilt. guilt at the familiarity of it all, at the thought of a particular ex boyfriend.

but then i think to myself. he's out having fun, dating another girl, and feeling not guilty at all. i'm a free girl! i wanted t give him the best he ever had but this was his choice, and i've done everything i could t salvage the relationship so yeah, it's time to move on. but yeah, nobody can love you like i did. just think about it (: don't think of what i've said. think of what i've done. (:

r + j.

i remember how i laughed about it years ago.

romeo and juliet. r______ & jovina.

oh yeh cookie you promised me a helmet yes? i want a dark purple full face with rhinestones and my name engraved! ahahaha.

today was pretty, pretty, almost disney (:
posted by joviee @ 11:37:00 PM


; jamming


yes i'm propaganding O2JAM!

so far i've converted cliff and vic. meow! ahaha.

just visited calv's blog. OMG AM I THE CUTIE :X

okay teehee il choose my own clothes.. don't wanna be in the nude anymore! level10 level10.
posted by joviee @ 3:07:00 AM


; fly away


"when will you be home?" i asked as we watch the planes take off.
we both know we have no clear answer t where your dreams may lead.
i've watched you as you crawled and stumbled,
then, i was your world.

and now t let you go, do you know i bleed?
and yet i still say t you,

you can fly so high,
keep your gaze upon the sky.
i'll be praying every step along the way.
even though it breaks my heart t know we'll be so far apart,
i love you too much t make you stay.
baby, fly away.
posted by joviee @ 1:28:00 AM





; through the rain


i didn't attend singing class today. was ill. and tired. no, i don't think it was cos of what happened. jus take it tt i was really sick yeah.

ria is sucha sweetie pie.

"hey how are you? everything okay? stay healthy, so you can exercise well and be more and more pretty than you thought you'd be. until you suprised yourself and everyone. 'wow.. are you jovina? you are damn sexy.'then oxygen will say 'don't you dare to touch my sexy babe, jovina is mine' hahaha. smile smile smile don't forget to rest more, i saw you so weak i hate tt, i want you to look healthy and pretty.^^"

don't worry people.

i'll be okay, i'll be fine. i don't deny it's painful but yeah.

jovina isn't jovina for nothing (:
posted by joviee @ 10:27:00 PM


meow. the math paper was alright. didn't have the stamina for it though, times when i felt like throwing the pen down and handing the paper in.

the body's taking it more badly than i am. lol. vomitting and couldn't take any breakfast. ah well, not necessary a bad thing. purge all the toxins out! i can't wait t weigh myself on the scales. and everyone's asking me "OMG WHY ARE YOU SO WHITE?!" like !@#$%!@#$%? i don't wear make up to school. lol. i think i'm getting paler. at least tt's what my mom says. which is okay since i've always like the lily white look anyway.

i couldn't help a few bitter streaks of tears last night before i fell asleep la. i'm only human yeah and maybe i was too tired but i wiped them off (: defiant, proud. i can't believe how low i stooped. i can't believe how i clung. was tt me or a woman possessed? i'm jovina after all, and yeah i havta do you guys proud. i stared at the mirror. lifted chin, stay cool. told myself il be fine, and smiled. oh yeah baby lol. daniel's fave line. I MISS TT SILLY BOY MAN. rabah! ahahaha.

keith's right. i shoulda listened to him, shouldn't have insisted stuff and all like. he never cheated on me. yada yada. it's a sooner or later thing he told me. do you honestly think he'll turn away if a girl, jus moderate, she doesn't even need to be very attrative throws herself at him? lol. but i was cocky yeah. i refused t listen, and hell i got myself burnt.

but at least i found out. better sooner than later. i feel nothing but antipathy towards him now. no love, no hope, no wishing tt he'll do well. no hatred, no jealousy, no digust. a little painful i don't deny, the phrase they are made for each other comes to mind every so often and it burns the soul. but its okay. lol. they can go on bouncing all they like. nonchalant. immune. its like whatever he does wouldnt affect me anymore. i mean, how low can a person get? what's the worst situation i can be in when i wasn't over him? it was him moving on with somebody new. yep tts all. and now he has. lol. life will get better. cos it can get no lower. and yeah, if he can move on so quickly, he probably isn't worth my affection after all. ahaha yes the textbook statement but its kinda true yeah.

stupid andi jus bounced onto his girlfriend. koreans are so cute. ahaha. tt freaky ryan is staring again. annoying. he stares at everyone yeah but i will never forgive him for trying to cheat my valentine's last yr. teehee lucky i wasn't stupid, spent it with lei at m hotel i think.

waiting for my history paper now. gonna go watch oxygen play table tennis. lol. meow and have a good day peeps.
posted by joviee @ 10:05:00 AM


i'm still awake yeh. but i didn't cry. lol. is anger sucha good tear stopper? or perhaps i really don't care anymore?

mm.

i don't know. i've got a paper early at 8. and i want t return him his stuff.

yawn.

i think i'm tired. i should go sleep and wait for my shampoo boy's call. lol.
posted by joviee @ 5:26:00 AM


i found it. lol. unwittingly, but yeah, i found it.

had food with sammy, devine one and liTsaaaaaaaaaan. sam and lit are so made for each other. there were so bouncing of each other.

3 days, samuel kang. 3 days after and you got a new girl. wow.

I ASKED YOU. I TOLD YOU MY FRIEND TOLD ME ABOUT THE MALAYSIAN GIRL, YOU DENIED IT IN MY FACE. YOU TOLD ME NOTHING HAPPENED AT THE CHALET. LIED IN MY FACE.

i've never felt so angry. why you guys might wonder. i thought you're over him and all? yes i am, but i never fucking expected this. lol.

bouncing off each other. wtf?

now i know why everything went unanswered.
now i know.

fuck whatever happened to il never cheat on you, il never love another?

bullshit yeah.

and then you come and tell me i'm the bullshitter, the compulsive liar.

oh my god.

thank god i got my priorities sort out, thank god daniel came back.
posted by joviee @ 3:21:00 AM




lol. goddamn retarded. imagining the pooh bear was daniel.

both videos taken last nov i think. nov or dec.
posted by joviee @ 2:58:00 AM



posted by joviee @ 2:54:00 AM


; heaven knows


or am i feeling this way only because he's been so nasty t me nowadays, he prolly has a new girlfriend, and i wanna lie t myself tt i never loved him?

or have i been taking him as daniel all along? have i? tt's why i was subconciously sabotaging our relationship for months?

OMG.


•°¤*(¯`°.vii¢ŧøriiäYEO`.L¯)*¤°•™ ,, * i learned what love is ; from loving you says:
the answer lies deep in ur heart my pig

I DON'T KNOW.

i just know tt i miss daniel terribly. oh god.

i wanna go to taiwan this june!

after going round in a circle, is it still daniel after all?

FU CHIEH HSUN! WO AI NI!
posted by joviee @ 2:19:00 AM


; hu ran hen xiang ni


was browsing the best friend's archives (vic, she's on my network, hot but taken, check her out!) for a video we took months back and i caught glimpses of her posts, that i couldn't resist reading.

very disturbing ):

jan6.
SHE & SAM ,, there's tiis lil confusion between the both of dem. dunno wut's jov thiinking`she kiinda hurt or maybe she already hurtt the poor guy's feelings wiith her mean sms msges. iim lyk tryiing to talk some sense iinto her ,,

met jov at JP todayy ,, she was at SAM's hse b4 tt. dunno wut funny things r they doiing there & i dun wanna know .. iim nt gonna pollute my clean mind. he actually cooked the instant pasta 4 her, iim sure jov did appreciate iit. didnt see DANIEL cooking for her .. hahas. other details r gonna b strictly confidential ,, im nt gonna mention wut i saw or bla bla blaa~ went shopping 4 daniel's so called "farewell" presents. He's gonna leave 4 taiwan tis sunday just after he has been released frm RTC. poor jov ,, she seems depressed.

jan7.
a day we've all been waiiting for. cuz iits DANIEL'S releasedd date from RTC. everyyone was excited - especially jov. she bought everythiing tt she wanted to get for hiim and was eagerly waiiting to pass iit to hiim. jov & ii met vic outsiide the prison bus-stop. we were anxiously waiiting 4 Daniel to come out, sitting there 4 about half n hr plus ,, we still did not c any Daniel iin siight. we decided to g0 iin and ask. The police officer told us tt foreigners will b brought to the ICA immediatly after release. we hurriedly rushed out the door and ran (YES ,, we RAN!) outsiide to flag a cab. finally we reached the ICA, the guard told us tt we were nt allowed inside and the exact timing tt he will b released will nt b fixed, so0o0 tt means Daniel can b released lyk 2 in the morniing is also possible. but we didnt giive up ,, we continued to waiit ouside ,, hopiing every guy tt comes out from the d00r is Daniel Fu! we waiiting till bout 1 plus when jov recieved a phone call. & guess who? YUPPS ,, iits Daniel! at first jov didnt believe .. she tot iit was someone hu was playing a prank on her but actually, iits was really Daniel. her face totally changed - from a sulky , long face to a happy smile. she passed the phone to victor ,, but no hope to c hiim cuz he will b brought to the aiirport directly. both of dem cried ,, maybe cuz after such a long period of nv hearing hiis voice. Of course they were happy tt at least Daniel's voice was heardd.

wentt to Bugiis wiith Jov after tt ,, jov iis lyk now at sam's hse ,, hahas ~ ii think i physco her enough le .. iits up to sam now. lolS =P but wutevr i physco her ,, has always been a fact.

jan 10.
iit was raining againn. wuts wrong wiith the sky?! iits been raining lyk the past few days alreadyy. Jov thiinks tt the raiin is cryiing along wiith her becuz of Daniel,, wentt over to Samuel's hse downstairs to pick up the skates frm hiim. so nice of hiim to go baq up and bring iit baq down cuz he was goiing to the coffee shop to buy breakfast for piggyy & ii was lyk running late. s0o0 sweet rittex? someone out there should undersand how much he lurves u and should treasure hiim too, nt picking on quarrels for a tiiny matter. *YES JOV, iim referiing to U*


our relationship was a mistake from the start.

how could i, the day before daniel's release, fool around with another guy? i know what vic meant by "dunno what funny things they were doing" yeah, i can remember it vividly, it was the day i had marks all over my neck. what was i thinking? what if daniel saw them? what if victor did and told him?

was i sucha slut? i searched through my msg archives and i saw a text from s, on the 7th of jan. 10++ in the morning. yes i remember vic and i on the mrt, on the way t changi t 'fetch' daniel. "I didn't know what to say to you.. Cause i'm so afraid of what you'll say to me. Cause you hurt me really badly yesterday night.." i can't remember what i told him. but we should have ended any relationship we had tt very moment. why oh why did we carry on?

i told daniel i would wait for his return, and tt i'll always love him, the day he was released, before he was sent back t taiwan. i remember victor saying "daniel's so lucky. there's a girl like you out there loving him so deeply." and what happened? in the end i ended up at s's house and probably in his bed? i couldn't believe my eyes when i saw vic's post.

wtf. i am sucha screwed up person.

thank god it's over.

i know i really loved daniel. what i felt for him was real, undeniable.

but did i love samuel? did i really love him, or was he merely a replacement, a subsitute for daniel?

i remember lying on his chest, and him telling me "i'm samuel.. not daniel." i just smiled, and closed my eyes. imagining he was someone else. nights when i looked at him, kissed him and i thought of daniel, i saw daniel's face.

was it a mistake, after all?

i don't know. it doesn't matter now, but somehow, i feel empty and sad inside. realizing tt what i thought i felt was nothing but disillusion.

i thought i loved him. i was wrong.
posted by joviee @ 1:15:00 AM


; silent jealousy


it burns me up but.. whatever. i'm so gonna ignore it.

meowww!

i say it's ok i can promise you it's alright, you ain't keeping me up all night no more.

i assure you babe it's alright, you ain't keeping me up all night no more.

you're not here but it's okay. (:
posted by joviee @ 12:07:00 AM





; rock with me

1) Where was your last kiss? cine. meow (:
2) What color underwear/boxers/thong wearing now? green.
3) What are you listening to right now? nothing! lemme go turn on music.
4) Whats your favorite number? 7
5) What was the last thing you ate? nothing! antidepressants only.
6) When was the last time you smiled? now! calv and his cute pic lol.
7) How is the weather right now? bright and sunny.
8) Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? bro!
9) What is your worst habit? ummm.
10) Do you drink? yep.
11) Do you smoke? yeh sg cigs are burning holes in my wallet!
12) When was the last time, if ever, you blacked out? never!
13) Girlfriend/Boyfriend? single and loving it.
14) Hair color? black! but the gold's showing ):
15) Eye color?: black. or brown. around there.
16) Do you wear contacts? yep!
17) Favorite holiday? xmas!
18) Favorite month? june and dec.
19) Have you ever cried for no reason? there'll be a reason!
20) Last movie you watched? art of seduction. watch & learn, hiao enough aha!
21) Favorite day of the year? christmas!
22) Are you too shy to ask someone out?: maybe.
23) Last advice you received? see the tagboard. stick t your decision!
24) What was the highlight of your weekend? i don't know!
25) Chocolate or vanilla? choco baby.
26) Last text message you received? i think qixian asked me out on fri.
27) Last text message you sent?: vicki!
28) Last person to call you? bro i think.
29) What was the last sports game you watched? soccer! stupid boys ahaha.
30) When was the last time you slept in someone else's bed? month ago. ex bf's.
31) Favorite movies? anything johnny depp!
32) Favorite basketball team? -_-
33) What were you doing before this? call macs!
34) Any pets? teehee my precious beebee!
35) Favorite Drink? sex on the beach.
36) Butter, plain or salted popcorn?: try honey caramel. yummeh!
38) Favorite flower? white lilies with a red rose in the middle (:
39) When was the last time you got in trouble? don't know!
41) Have you ever loved someone? meow.
42) Who would you like to see right now? HIM HIM HIM. ;D
43) Are you still friends with people from kindergarten? yep.
44) Have you ever fired a gun? time crisis!
45) Do you like to travel by plane? yep!
46) What websites do you go to frequently, besides friendster? gmail. blogger.
47). If you could be with anybody right now who would it be? HIM HIM HIM. LOL.
48) How many pillows do you sleep with? one.
49) Are you missing someone? i don't know.
50) How was your day? i keep sleeping!
posted by joviee @ 4:04:00 PM


; fake a smile



ahaha thanks for the cute pic calv! level6 in o2jam already? buy clothes and a hat with hair for me please.. i don't wanna be NAKED! and i won't be sad and i'll be smiling when you get me my ADICOLOR JACKET :x good luck on sel and ahli's bikes yeah hehehe tell them t remember, safety riders please!

i'm a staunch believer of instant chemistry. no, not the rubbish love at first sight, it's LUST! LUST i tell you! nobody would love-at-first-sight with someone physically unappealing yeah? but chemistry.. it's in the first conversation, and you just hit it off, and you find yourself wanting t know tt person better and get closer, closer.

to date, i've only met two of them. and i saw one of them today. meow! a precious from my life, dec 2003. intense attraction rushing back, like i've never felt it before. he was a good looking boy then, and now he's so heartbreakingly beautiful. oh god.

i want, i yearn, i crave.

he takes my breath away.

good luck in guessing who, _ e _ n _ _ d.
people know him as _ e _.

(:

oh yes i just realised. everyone else's busy mugging for exams, and what am i doing?! lol. can't be fucked attitude. it's only mid years after all, little miss too-cool-for-school! <3
posted by joviee @ 3:28:00 PM


; must see tv


http://www.jaggle.nl/log/item.php?id=20646body

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
posted by joviee @ 3:11:00 AM


; act a jov


ahaha yes josh just made me laugh. him and his act-a-jov.

-EMO

-PARANOID

-SLITS WRISTS/PANADOLS

lol!

i read izzy's blog earlier, and i was very suprised t see my name among the 5ive true friends she mentioned. suprised and touched. teehee. i love you too little sister (: i'm glad you moved on and found true love. all the best t you and mark!
posted by joviee @ 2:39:00 AM


; the end

well. the posts he blogged months ago sums up everything i feel, and have to say right now. i don't deny that up till this moment, i was hoping for a reconcilation eventually. be it a month, two months or six. i hoped that waiting would pay off and we would get back together.

but i just realised it's impossible. firstly because of what has happened in the past. secondly because of what might have happened this period of time we're apart. i thought i was strong, that i loved him deep enough to forget and forgive anything he might have done. any girl that might have crossed his life. now i know i'm not. i can't accept the fact that he might have another girl, whether he loved her or it was just a physical thing. and lastly, because of him. he is a changed person. not the one i loved. i loved him, but i don't know the person he is now and how can i claim to love him still?

i must just remember that the past is gone, and that the person who loved me and i loved back doesn't exist.

it's over, over.

this will be the last entry about him.

2am and it'll be a fresh new start.
posted by joviee @ 1:44:00 AM


31 January 2006 - is this going to be the last time?

she just left my place. i guess this break up is for good. i asked her, do you want to be back with me. answer was no. reason was she felt that the way things are now is much better.

you want to, i can choose not to.
you have to, i can not have to.
you need to, i don't see a need to.

don't say i want, have and need to as well. you know i can live without them. i can make a choice and stick to it. i can give you my word and stick to it. how many times have you given me yours and went against it in the end? if you really love a person, the things that you want to do and did can easily not be done instead. i can forgo them. you couldn't.. and i don't know if you ever will be able to. maybe if it's daniel you can. but i'm samuel.. daniel was always be the one you truly ever loved. maybe you did love me, alot in fact, but what was short was the part in you that is unwilling to forgo certain stuff even though you know i wouldn't be happy.

well.. if it has to end this way, i guess it's fated. after you said at the moment you didn't want to be back in this relationship, i know it'll be impossible for us to ever be together again. and whatever i did or say wouldn't change this fact. whatever that i could say or do, i've alr said and done. reassuring you, convincing you, proving that your doubts are wrong and everything.. what haven't i done? i don't know either.

all i hope is that you take care of yourself and love yourself. party if you want, respect your own body and your own pride. drugs are stupid. it's a no-lifer. i'm not hoping for a patch anytime soon cause i know you'll be out there enjoying your new found life (and freedom). giving up all these in exchange for the love from me is not worth it i reckon.

take care jovina, i'm still loving you.
31012006 1015PM

Thursday, February 16, 200616 February 2006 - shameless bastard...

don't get the wrong idea. i'm referring to myself. yes, i'm a shameless bastard.

i just refuse to accept the fact that she doesn't want to be bothered in this relationship anymore. when i screw up, i call her, i bug her, i apologise to her and i do whatever that i can so that she won't be mad at me anymore. but when she screws up, she just sits back and ocassionally message me saying she wants to meet me and stuff. but she just doesn't take any actions at all. she says she doesn't wanna bother me anymore since i made things so clearly. but she made things clearly to me before and she even added quite a few nasty words in there. but i still came crawling back like a dog. i love her too much to just put it down just because of a quarrel.

yesterday night i thought this would be the last straw. i wouldn't ever forgive her, i wouldn't ever want her back again. but i was wrong. i woke up this morning and i realised i still love her. i can't accept it that she could actually do something like this to me. my head is telling me she isn't worth it. she doesn't love me. she doesn't bother about my feelings. she just cares about her freedom, her happiness and her friends. my heart tells me you still love her alot. you can swallow your pride and call her and talk to her. you can ignore the fact the she screwed up time after time and still crawl back to her.

it's tearing me apart.
1820HRS 16 February 2006
posted by joviee @ 1:40:00 AM


; in this life


i don't know what to say. it's evident what went on, from the tagboard.

i'm at a loss. really i am. i just realised he's been lying to me. and it's disconcerting. i never thought he would. everything he told me, i believed 100%. now i feel cheated. hurt. like the whole relationship never happened. it was all in my head.

i was reading our blog. it seemed so. i don't know. sincere. heartfelt. is it possible that they're nothing but a pack of lies, a web of deception? can anyone be that good an actor?

for what it's worth, from the time we broke up when you started school to april 30 when you told me it was over cos i didn't pick up your calls, i haven't been flirting. i kept to my promise, to reserve myself for you. i'm sorry and disappointed you didn't, but at least i found out now. thank you for letting me know. it's a wake up call.
posted by joviee @ 12:43:00 AM





; you raise me up


she picked me up when i was down.

gave me the best advice, and the warmest shoulder of friendship.

i love you mich.

sel will come around. don't over-analyse and worry too much.. (:
posted by joviee @ 10:42:00 PM


; guilty


oh no oh no oh no.

please don't tell me they broke up. please, no.

but it's not my place t say or ask anything.

i'm steamrolled by guilt. is it my fault?
posted by joviee @ 3:23:00 PM


; forever love


i have an exam tmr but i can't get t sleep! my eyes are still swollen from the crying because of his tag ):

voice-convoing with win.. but i have no MIC. grrr yes i feel so useless i wanna kpkb you too! NVM. ALWIN TEO YU MING, mic + one pack of cigs on my doorstep, 27th june! teehee i don't even have t play any music. he's playing emo songs for me from his playlist. -smirks *

oh yes and calv promised me the adicolor jacket on my birthday. MEOW! i'm helping daddy t save $200 in his pocket. :x o2 jam rocks our socks! level up for me yeah and then after my exams.. we'll see who's the expert!

party next friday, keith's. DJ RATTLE!

so much stuff going on after midyears. oh yeah baby!


if that's what you want, we'll lead our separate lives. but i still love you, and i'll be right here waiting for you, darling.
posted by joviee @ 3:31:00 AM





; lost


i really don't know what t do anymore..

i don't know what t think or what t feel anymore.
posted by joviee @ 11:32:00 PM


; breaking my heart


is there another girl and you promised her you wouldn't reply t any of my msges?

is that it sam?

just let me know.
just tell me.

please. please..
posted by joviee @ 7:35:00 PM


; let it out


calling out your name, your face is everywhere.
i'm reaching out t you t find tt you're not there.
i wake up every night t see the state i'm in.
it's like an endless fight i never seem t win.

i can't go on as long as i believe.
can't let go, when i keep wondering:

where are you now?
what have you found?
where is your heart, when i'm not around?
where are you now?
you gotta let me know.
oh baby, so i can let you go.

i can hear your voice, the ring of yesterday.
it seems so close t me, but yet so far away.
i should let it out, t save what's left of me
and close the doors of doubt, revive my dignity.

i should let it out, it's time t let you go.
but baby i just wanna know..

where are you now? what have you found? where is your heart when i'm not around? tell me where are you now.. you gotta let me know. oh baby, so i can let you go..
posted by joviee @ 6:41:00 PM


; where are you


it's been two days since i've heard from you.

i wonder where you've gone.
i wonder what you've done.

i miss you, so very much.
posted by joviee @ 2:53:00 AM





; the opposite


mission impossible iii yesterday, but michelle overslept! i got ready the fastest in my life, half an hour, a record i think, and we cabbed to cathay. my virgin experience! hahaha. but there wasn't any slots so we went to plaza sing. to wait for sel and james, and perhaps watch the movie there.

front rows only ): so i made selwyn's day by suggesting: hey let's not watch a movie after all. so what else, raiders, and i discovered a whole new addiction: O2JAM. it's like rock fever in the arcades. woop! fun way of mindlessly killing time.

yes and calvin was making fun of me all the way. calling me a cam-whore and laughing at my pathetic jamming attempts. first timer okay! i loved his adicolor jacket though, GORGEOUS. i couldn't bring myself t take it off once i tried it on. pretty pretty! i want it i want it i want it! *HINTS.

did i mention spiderman and mary-jane? these two absolutely adorable hamsters mich got for sel. aha spiderman got stolen though so a friend of theirs got mary-jane two companions, which james christianed venom. -rolls eyes * yes venom, spidey's 'friend/enemy'. lol.

mm yeah, so sel went home on his skipper, calv and i shared a cab home. hehe he was really sweet, insisted on sending me home, and even got the cab uncle to drive off only after i got into the lift. thank you(:

today, i just got home from a bbq at my cousin's place. new deals! <3 $40 for a slot of malaysian cigs, and i finally got a buyer for my gudang garam! my cousin's lifeguard colleague. YAY YAY YAY!

i never realised tt samuel's devotion to bikes had actually captured my interest as well. i found myself unconsiously responding, pricking up my ears at the mention of them. started a whole conversation with my cousin's tutor on his bike! it was interesting, life at the point of view of a 28 year old.

boys and their toys. when they were young it was little models. then remote controlled versions. tamiyas, remember the craze? and then it'll be bikes and cars. you guys will never outgrow this fascination. the older, the bigger and more expensive, tt's all.

THAT'S BAD NEWS FOR US WOMEN. different frequencies yeah sisters?

hahaha ><
posted by joviee @ 11:23:00 PM


; wonderful tonight


such a beautiful, sweet song by eric clapton. i remember keith and bryan singing to it. they sounded good and sentimental, very unlike them. ahaha. which reminds me, i still owe bryan $10 and a big thank you for making sure i got home safely even though he was wasted and all. it's been a few weeks already, i wonder what those two are busy with.


and the wonder of it all, is tt you just don't realise how much i love you..

and now i tell her, as i turn off the light, i said my darling.. you were wonderful tonight.


i've never said this to you baby.. but you were so wonderful every night.

i miss you so.
posted by joviee @ 2:51:00 PM


; ex-girlfriend


ex-girlfriend you can't have him
it's about time tt you found you a new man
he's moved on

don't you know, don't you know
you gotta let him go, let him go

ex-girlfriend you don't listen
stop trying
he's not gonna give in
he's not yours anymore

hey ex-girlfriend
it's too bad when you had him y'all thing didn't work
but he's all mine now
so stop pursuing him before you get your feelings hurt

see our love is hot and no it won't stop cos i got him on lock
and although he rejects you it don't seem t affect you
cos you just keep trying t get with him

so don't, don't keep calling
hanging up the phone when i answer
i know it tears you up inside
and why do you sit in silence on the other end
til i hang up and you predictably call right back again

hey ex-girlfriend whatever your name is
i'm really not amused
cos the things you do are very offensive
and sometimes straight up rude

all those late night calls and notes on his car
won't get you anywhere
you can call his mom as much as you want
and he won't really care

i understand why you want him back
but don't you know
our love's too strong for you t penetrate

it's too late
he's not your baby no more


this song tears me apart.
because i'm the ex-girlfriend, and that's exactly what i'm doing.


don't let this happen t me baby.
don't fall in love with somebody new.
don't find somebody else you call girlfriend.

please.. don't.
posted by joviee @ 5:17:00 AM


allison and i break up. it isn't her fault and it isn't my fault. we still love each other but we can't get along and we're tired of hurting each other and we need to be apart. i miss her. i miss everything about her. my life my heart my house my bed is empty without her, i'm empty without her. i cry myself to sleep at night. she's on the other side of town it might as well be the other side of the earth. i cry myself to sleep at night.

-from my friend leonard, james frey


samuel and i broke up. is it his fault? is it my fault? i still love him, i don't know whether he still loves me, but we can't get along and we're tired of hurting each other and we need to be apart. i miss him. i miss everything about him. my life my heart my house my bed is empty without him, i'm empty without him. i cry myself to sleep at night. he's on the other side of jurong it might as well be the other side of the earth. i cry myself to sleep at night.

-jovina
posted by joviee @ 4:57:00 AM





; sneaky connivers


i swear the world is out to get me to club!

what with all the trance + acid from cliff earlier and now major rnb haul from win.

oh god.

EXAMS. EXAMS. EXAMS.
posted by joviee @ 4:39:00 AM


; beautiful goodbye


i thought it was all in my head but something felt wrong with my heart,
and was i a fool t believe tt nothing could tear us apart?

but little by little we changed, and maybe we'll never know why.
something is gone from my touch and it's written deep in your eyes.

we'd never be the way we were so why are we trying t pretend?
if we know it's gonna hurt it's better left unsaid.

you don't havta say a word cos deep inside i already know,
but you can't keep holding on just because i can't let go.

it'll be alright, try not to cry.
but you walk out my life,
just leave me with a beautiful goodbye.

forever is easy t say but now my forever is gone.
can't you see nobody's right and can't you see tt nobody's wrong?

i'm gonna miss what we had and even though it's killing me,
i gotta see things the way tt they are and not the way tt i wish they would be.
posted by joviee @ 3:49:00 AM


; good music


all that trance and acid from clifford makes me feel like dancing.

those podium nights. aaah!

party party party!

i just realised i've never once danced with baby ):

-smacks head *

no emo thoughts!
posted by joviee @ 3:10:00 AM


; fairytales



it would be our 4th month anniversary today.


happy 4th month baby. i'm still loving you..
posted by joviee @ 12:16:00 AM





; A Poem Specially For My Piggy ;)*
because i love u!


When you love someone so deep inside,
It seems like it's so easy to hide.
You've loved him for so very long,
You would think he could do no wrong.

Every day you would hope and pray,
That he would always stay this way.
He treated you like you should be treated,
You thought your life was finally completed.

You thought your love was growing true,
And then one day it was all so blue.
He started putting you down and it hurt,
You thought all you were to him was dirt.

He started ignoring you and you wondered why,
All you wanted to do was curl up and die.
You thought your relationship would never end,
But that was all so fake and pretend.

One night he was so sweet to you,
You thought all those things were maybe untrue,
Two days later he was back the same,
You thought you were the one to blame.

He thought the relationship was getting too serious
And that you had become a little too curious.
By this time you knew it wouldn't last,
All the nice things he said were in the past.

You thought that you would marry him some day,
But this time God wanted to get his way.
You wanted things back how they were before,
But you knew this couldn't happen anymore.


viictoriia ; the owner

posted by joviee @ 4:10:00 PM


; not-okay


i don't know why every little action of his disconcerts me so much.

i couldn't get out of bed today. couldn't eat a single thing.

mom just forced me outta bed so here i am, blogging.

had a full day planned, but just the thought of changing and everything.. oh god.

i wanna breathe again.

can anyone help me?
posted by joviee @ 3:51:00 PM


; playing with fire


will get you burnt i know.

but hell, i'm bleeding already, what's a few more burns?

the world's my ashtray.


p.s. i AM bleeding, literally. the red lady's early this month. ;D
posted by joviee @ 2:41:00 AM


; eye candy


guitarists are so hot.

-slurps*
posted by joviee @ 1:44:00 AM





; a song for you


birdnest birdnest birdnest!

hehe isn't it ironic for me to be blogging so happily about food when i was just grousing about it earlier?

but birdnest for dinner is certainly a treat, a delight after so long. thank you daddy!

oh yes i have to select a song for the competition for year 1 students in the music school.

ideas anyone?
posted by joviee @ 11:33:00 PM


; food


i never ever thought food would one day become a chore, a liability.

i mean, i loved t eat!

but now it is.

i had to shovel spoonfuls of tasteless porridge in my mouth, make myself swallow them, and afterwards, gulp down my vomit/nausea medication to prevent myself from barffing it all out.

breakfast & lunch are thus forcibly taken.
posted by joviee @ 4:18:00 PM





i'm been reading blogs. and i realised tt mine is by far the most depressing and reiterating one.

it revolves around the same issue.

which i know can get boring.

but this is my outlet to rant. so i shall not stoop to commercialism like i did two years ago. only some friends have the link to this blog and i'm happy with tt.

two years ago i had many complete strangers reading my blog. i don't know how they got it. lotsa comments, and tags, and i found myself struggling to come up with something witty and impressive to blog daily. until it became a chore.

so now i'm do what i like. tt's what a blog's for.
posted by joviee @ 4:10:00 PM


i cannot believe myself.

i actually lost it and pestered him both on friendster and texts.


why isn't the medication helping? i've been taking those anti-depressants for 10 days already. only the anxiety one helped. when i woke up, i was burning inside. the thought this time was whether there's somebody else. i don't know why there's the burning. so i texted him. and i dragged myself out to take the pill and i calmed down, breathing regulate.

why can't i eat a single thing without vomitting? it's been three days since i've eaten. why do i feel tired all the time? the exams are here and i can't sit down and study.

why can't this happen after my o's? right smack in the middle of the year. i can't afford t flunk. i have to do well.

from the time i got home at 10 i've been sleeping and lying on the bed until now i'm finally forced out cos the aircon repair men are here.

am i just ill or am i just lovesick?

i'm sorry for this. sorry t him, sorry t my friends, sorry t myself.
posted by joviee @ 3:37:00 PM





; power of love


was about t succumb t the urge t text him.

i wanted t tell him, i know he doesn't expect me t keep my promise of waiting for him. but deep inside, does he hope that i will? or does he wish me t give up totally. t let him go.

has he moved on with life and found himself someone else he loves? or does he still have a place in his heart for me?

i wished he would tell me that he would save his love, reserve himself for me.

but i heard the lyrics of a song.. and i managed to control myself, or maybe it just rang deep into my heart.


只要你过得很好什么都已不重要 我不会故意打扰更不会让你烦恼

as long as you're happy and doing well, nothing else matters.
i'll not disturb you, much less cause you stress.


i love him so much. i'm prepared t take on anything.

silly perhaps?
posted by joviee @ 11:03:00 PM


while i'm suffering in silence, in such immense pain, are you out there having fun with your friends? are you out dating another girl?

everytime i think of you, all the times i cry because of you, is there another pretty face you have on your mind?

i don't begrudge you for being happy. it's everyone's right. but it hurts terribly just the same.

i want to see you so badly. to wait for you outside your house. but i know i wouldn't know what to say when i do see you. and i know you'll just chase me away. worst, you might be holding the hand of another girl, both of you flushed and happy, waiting to enter home sweet home.

but i won't bother you with my pain. it'll be my entirely my own. that's what i told you i'll try to do, to leave you alone, because that's what you want, and it's all i can do for you now.
posted by joviee @ 7:25:00 PM


; a cry for help


Barely holding on.

So close to collapsing.

I'm worned out, exhausted.

I'm supposed to be okay. A pretence of cheerfulness, a facade of strength.

But I yearn for a word of intimacy, crave for a touch of comfort.


But nobody's here, nobody cares..

Nobody sees these tears, but they're real all the same.


Exams, break-up, illness..

Why are all these piling up on me?

God must really, really hate me.
posted by joviee @ 6:22:00 PM


; post breakup


the aftermath? and i'm only going t touch on the physical aspect (:


puffy, bloodshot eyes: 1 litre of tears + too much sleeping can do this t you.

downfall of immune system: clinical depression, flu, sore throat, vomitting.

perpetual fatigue: lack of energy t actually do anything productive.


pretty sad huh? but now for the good news..

MY SCHOOL SKIRT IS EVEN LONGER NOW!

teehee. which, in other words mean.. I'VE LOST WEIGHT!

although i don't think it really shows but..

6kgs in a month! beat that! whoopee.

another 10 more and i'll be pretty pretty. ;D


meowmeow!
posted by joviee @ 11:11:00 AM


; the reason

i'm not a perfect person
there's many things i wish i didn't do
but i continue learning
i never meant t do those things t you
and so i have t say before i go

tt i jus want you t know
i've found a reason for me
t change who i used t be
a reason t start over new
and the reason is you

i'm sorry tt i've hurt you
it's something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through
i wish tt i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears

tts why i need you t hear
i've found a reason for me
t change who i used t be
a reason t start over new
and the reason is you

i've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all tt i do

and the reason is you (:
posted by joviee @ 10:39:00 AM





talking t angie online after so long.. miss my darling man. sigh.

she's in the exact same boat. after hy broke up with her, he wouldn't reply her msges and i think he blocked her as well. she told me he spent all his money on her, make her feel secure and happy.. and got jealous way too easily. sounds familiar? she said maybe she didn't treasure him enough.. and now she's waiting for him even though she knows nothing will come out of it. it's been 2 months since her breakup alr.

asked her how she dealt with it. k. sigh. if it was me of two years back.. definitely. but i've laid off drugs now. and i know if i ever touch them.. sam will never ever want me back. maybe he won't care la but. it's just what i think. she said she textd him before tt, he didn't reply so smack smack smack. jus like i call him, no reply, drink drink drink. lol.

she thought i was the one who dumped him. lol. tt's what everyone thinks.

she told me something tt really suprised me though. "do you know he cried for you?" i mean sure yes i knew of some instances but ??? how would you know. she said once at ktv with arvyn vic and joseph he was there, he looked really sad and when she sang lian ai ping lu, he started t cry! i was like WTF.. i remembered us quarreling over this, i didn't want him drinking with girls around but i didn't remember him being sad or anything.

perhaps i never really knew his pain. how he felt when i still felt for daniel, still thought of daniel and even h when i was with him. when i asked for breakups so easily and cooly. all those times he wrote in his phone's notepad. all those times i shunned his touch. the time he asked me all sadly don't i deserve to be loved and pampered by you? i must have really hurt him badly. i remember how he went all over t get my kinder suprise.. woke up specially in the mornings to fetch me from school when i can jus make my way over myself. how he prepared my burgers for me.

thinking of all this, i feel like i deserve what i'm going through now. i wish he'll give me a chance to make it up to him. i'll give you all the love you deserve. if he wouldn't give me the chance.. well chances are created by man. i'll jus have to create my own. and if it still doesn't work.. please just let me do little things for you. little gestures of sweetness, of love, because it makes me happy.. if you hate them just put them into the box. jus don't throw it away..

please stop blocking me.. ni neng bu neng bu guan guo de hao bu hao, bu yao gu yi duo kai bu rang wo zhi dao..?

i jus want you to be happy.. xi wang ni guo de hao..
posted by joviee @ 6:48:00 PM


i'm feeling better now.. so i should not whine too much about sam blocking me. he's blocked me for a week already. i wonder whether if it's because

a) he hates me and doesn't want t talk t me
b) he doesn't want me talking t him
c) he blocked me, moved me to females, and FORGOT ALL ABOUT ME. ):
d) blocked and deleted.

c & d, ultimate worst right? sigh. he's still in my personals. i can't bear to put him into males with 40 other guys. i don't want t be in his xfemales! ):):): okay i'm getting so emo talking about this. change of topic.


yknow, all my life people have been thinking i'm this outgoing, popular person. in fact when i was younger, i embraced the title. i was disgusted by my horoscope. cancer? wtf? this emotional oversensitive crab? what loves family and devoted all? no no i'm a party girl who likes t have fun!

but gradually as i got older i realised.. the crab is really.. me. lemme go checkout astrology online and post the traits.

Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic

Changeable and moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let go

ok besides the cautious part. TELL ME WHICH PART OF IT DOESN'T RESEMBLE ME?

i don't fall out of love once i'm in love. you guys know tt? with terence it was because he chose t move on. he told me most clearly it was over. he had girlfriends. i was immature then, and i used guys t forget him. but i only truly got over him i think a year++ later. with samuel now i really wonder. i've grown up now. no more playing around. so how long will i take t forget him? 2 year++? sigh..

the other boyfriends.. well when i wasn't in love it's a bah! i dump i throw. t & s both kept coming back.. and in the end i fell in love. the rest either gave up, because i can be really harsh, or stuff. tt's why i love them both so much. they cherished me, loved and protected me at my worst. and i know they deserve me at my best.

so no i'm no flirt queen. no CHK. no clubbing queen young and wild barely 16! lol. these were those nicknames friends gave.

seriously though. popularity is not as hyped as it is. it stinks actually. its nice la, i mean i remember arvyn and angela saying hey jov you're old student yeh? and i was like no i'm new why. and they were like oh you know everyone blabla. and arun.. so jovo how does it feel to be popular? and win. jov help me sell tics leh. i know you've got lotsa lobangs.

but in actuality. its a perpetual state of lonliness.

i've been back t town alot recently. and i bump into friends everywhere. on a fri or sat i will bump into at least 5 groups of friends, and at least 10 people i know. once i jus walked over t cine and was smoking at the railings and tada. friends and friends jus kept milling past.

but it's sad because i realised something. with less than half of them i managed to hold a 10 min convo. maybe i'm putting myself down too hard. i mean, they were with friends, i can't expect them to stop and chat right? but i found it so sad tt for many it was simply hi! hug* how are you? what are you doing now? oh this is your boyfriend/friend? ok see you keep in touch!

i still feel lonely.

i was horrified when vic said "hey sounds like you got back your old lifestyle eh! town and all"

i've never thought of it in tt context. after she said tt i.. refused t go t town the last weekend. spent fri sat at home, and sun with my cousin. no way do i wanna return to the hypocritical endless life of cine cine cine.
posted by joviee @ 5:53:00 PM


i am relatively worried about the control those anti depressants have over my state of emotions. i forgot my medication this morning, and has been blowing up at everyone since. my mom, my friends.. i had to control my tempers with nicotine, and considering my sore throat, reds are very bad for me at this point of time. ): ah well at least their frm singapore.

wanted t leave breakfast and a good luck note outside his door today.. set my alarm to 5am and i actually woke up! but as i was putting the food into the oven i fell asleep again and by the time my mom woke me up on the sofa it was 7:28am. sigh. maybe it's a good thing. i wouldn't have the chance t bump into him or anything. i mean the over imaginative brain thinks.. what if he walks out with a girl! then the girl will be like oh who's tt from and then he'll be like dunno and just throw it away! wouldn't tt really break my heart and stuff?

but i actually like doing stuff like tt. maybe it's just the housewife instincts coming in. i don't want him t feel touched or guilty or even grateful. i just want to do it cos it keeps me happy.

i'm very inclined to text him and ask him how his test went. CONTROL... maybe i'll jus write a letter and burned it up or smth. i'm afraid if i leave letters he'll jus rip them up in front of the girl (OKAY THERE'S NO GIRL.. KEEP EMOTIONS IN CHECK) like he did natalie's note! isn't tt worst than me burning it up myself?

i remember he told me he'll stay in love even if we don't meet or contact each other. i know i can, but i worry tt he'll forget me. will he? ):

and water is avoiding me. i can tell. we bumped at the corridor and he just looked right at the floor. goodness i hope he didn't get the wrong idea... RIA'S interested.. not ME.

i think my lack of medication is getting to me. i'm getting hysterical with every word i type. signing off for now, ria's bought japanese food for me. hopefully i can have my first meal in days.
posted by joviee @ 11:06:00 AM





Today has been a better day than the rest.

I've smiled, from the heart.


Cousin came over today.. We talked and I was amazed by how her life had change in a span of.. I don't know. A few months? She used to come over to my place weekly until this year, but I just thought she was busy with school and all. I had no idea..

Went over to JP.. Both of us were shopping for gifts! Haha.


I kinda miss him. : Do you miss me too baby?
posted by joviee @ 9:22:00 PM





oh jov.. what's the use?

you're too ill to even get out of bed. why are you fucking obsessing over someone who doesn't love you?
posted by joviee @ 1:13:00 PM





today was terrible. i don't know why. everything was fine in the morning, but from the moment i got home.. crying jag from 2 - 7. nonstop. i thought i would be fine once i indulged a little and allowed myself to cry everything out but it doesn't work this way. i felt really lethargic but i've been lying down for too long.

every two hours i'll check the computer. no reply. he doesn't even view my profile anymore. and i'm being perpetually blocked. i still left him in personals. am i now in his list of females? are my letters removed, my msges deleted?

the vomitting is getting worst. without eating at all i can still manage to vomit. to the point that i'm too tired to even vomit, it still rushes up. and new afflictions of the day, sore throat and flu.

i'm now taking six different forms of medication today. but he can't even be bothered to reply me. he's so heartless.. whatever happened to his promises of love? i remember the time he came over once he returned from the hospital just because i was ill. sigh.. i wish he can be here, i wish he'll just contact me but at the same time i'm afraid i'll never let him go once he does.

i imagine how it'll be like if he comes over and just take care of me for the night. it'll be like a dream. but what will it be the next day when he leaves for good?

this is the first time i've been so desperately contacting someone for so long and doing so much with totally no reciprocation. a clean demand to break up. i've never been on the receiving end.. this is a first.

he told me there's nobody new. but if there isn't, why doesn't he care anymore..?

everyday is a hard journey for me. even when i want to sleep.. i still can't bring myself to before coming online, checking his friendster, checking mine, checking my blog..

life seems so bleak and cheerless. a future without him.. i see no point in it. what if life goes on like this everyday? how can i live like this? it's so painful. so pointless.

i've no strength to study. but i know i must. it's a critical year..

right now if i've a choice i'll want to leave. to die. but i know it's foolish of me. if i don't die, the pain will be worst. if i do die, won't i regret it? i'll be 18 next year. deep inside i know 18 will be a good year. new courses, new friends, driving license, the legal age and everything.

but it's still a long way from now.. can i get through this?
posted by joviee @ 8:17:00 PM


The Last Goodbye (for now)



Yes, I've told him everything I wanted to say. No more regrets.

Whether he replies or not.. I'll be sticking to what I said.


For now I'm contented just to be his friend. A friend who'll be there unconditionally. Whatever happens, I'll be there if ever he needs me. I'm not asking for anything in return. It's enough to know the one you love's well and happy. I hope he always remembers, for him I'll always be only a call away..

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm making life difficult for myself. Why not just forget him, the past and move on totally? It was only then it struck me, despite the hurt, the pain, I still long to be with him. My love for him remains, maybe even deeper, and stronger.

I've heard all the textbook replies to getting over a failed relationship. "There are better people out there. Better-looking, more highly educated, wealthier background, older and more matured guys are everywhere." And also the standard "He's not worth your time. You're too good for him, you're so much better than this."

At the beginning, I wasn't very sure of him. It took me time to accept him. He wasn't the type.. my type of guy. I thought him not cute enough. Not tall enough. Not deep enough. His redeeming traits were that he was coherent in English, and his relentless pursue of myself. But over time, I grew to love him. His independence, his intellect, his affection, his fragility, his possesiveness.. Everything.

I've only felt emotions as intense for one other person all my life. With both of them, I look at guys with unseeing eyes. The thought of finding a new love never occur to me, not even subconsciously. I accept and cherish friendship with guys, but I turn away at the thought or hint of anything more.

Friendship is the only alternative he left me, and I'll take it, embrace it with everything I have.

I accept it because there's too much pain, hurt and misunderstandings between us now. Time will heal this. Time apart from Victoria, my best friend, made me forget her little flaws, even though I loved her despite them.

So, as much as I yearn for the comfort of his arms, I understand, at least that it's momentarily impossible. We've both learned to live without each other in our everyday lives. The sudden expectations that will arise from reconcilation will be too much for us, and I know we'll end up breaking apart eventually. I love him, but I love my friends too. If he tells me, "We'll get back together if you can give up your friends", I know I'll agree to it. But will I be truly happy..?

I remember a time when I felt true happiness, and bliss. It was when I had my friends back, and I still retained his love. Though it didn't last, I'll never forget how it felt. Life just seemed beautiful.

And even though sometimes I go crazy wondering what's going on with his life, I accept that I have no right over it, and I don't brood that much. Questions like "Who did you talk to today?", "Any new girl?" tires both of us dreadfully, and elevates the ill-feeling between us.

I never doubted that he really loved me. Nobody can dispute that fact.

I can't help smiling as I remember our first msn conversation. Hints of love at first sight, and the last "I'm attracted to you - sleep on that." Is it possible to light up that spark again? If we erased everything, the history of the past together and the love and hurt we've been through, if we're two strangers meeting for the first time, I wonder if he'll feel the same.

Have I changed since? The hairstyle, maybe. What charmed him then? I've never thought to ask.

He told me he doesn't know what will happen. Maybe if the right girl comes along.. he wouldn't remain single.

If we met once again as strangers, will I be that right girl? Imagine he had a memory loss and then he met me again. Will I be the one again?




I can promise, confidently that I will remain single Sam. I don't expect you to do so. I know it's only a matter of time for you. But deep down, I hope that I've made a difference. I hope that I've set a benchmark for your girlfriends in future. That no one can just stroll casually into your life and replace me. That you'll find it difficult to love someone as deeply as you loved me.

Of course.. I wish to retain the Most Loved title.

I'll be happy for you if you find someone you really love again. Pain is non-deniable, but I'll really wish you all the best, from the sincerity of my heart. Even then I believe I'll still be loving you, only in silence. I'll hate myself if I ever become a cause of unhappiness between you and the future girlfriend, if any.

Sometimes, I wonder why you think of finding love elsewhere. There's a girl in front of you, who loves you with everything she has. You once loved her, so the problem doesn't lies with her, but the many events and issues that has happened between the two of you. Can it really not be solved?

But like I said, I know that this is not the time.

Remember me. Remember us.

Nobody can love you as much as I do.
Can you really love someone as much as you loved me?

There are no promises between us, but know this. That I'm waiting for you. That I'll never give up on you. This period of non-contact might allow you to forget me, but for me, I'm using it to mould myself into the perfect individuelle you'll someday learn to love again.

I'm fighting a war against myself. When I've overcome and won the battle, that's when I'll fight for you again. I love you.
posted by joviee @ 4:55:00 AM


I hope he got my msg.

My internet connection went down just after I sent it. ):
posted by joviee @ 12:00:00 AM





I'm feeling terrible.

I can't seem to breathe properly, I've just vomitted despite having eaten NOTHING at all the entire day, my stomach's feeling queasy, I'm having a killer headache and a fever and worst of all, I'm really lethargic.

How can I be tired? I've slept from maybe 3am - 10 am today! And I've napped for at least a couple of hours too.

In an hour I have to meet Vicki to go down for singing lessons together. ): It's $50+ per session. I can't bring myself to skip it.

I'm really worried. Is this the side-effect of the anti-depressants? Jack told me not to take them. Said it slows down the mind, which is what calms a person down. I wonder if it's true.. slows the mind..

I can't afford to be tired and dumb right now, even if it makes me happier which it doesn't!


I've msged him. I'm really afraid of his answer, but really.. I feel like I have to know. This daily guesswork is killing me. If he does reply, I know he won't lie to me. Begged him to reply.

Sometimes it amazes me how relationships work. One person can just move on totally without a backward glance, while the other, engulfed by pain, falls into despondency and hopelessness.
posted by joviee @ 4:38:00 PM


Boredom Kills!


Name 20 ppl you can think of right now at the top of your head. Dont read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 20 ppl. Ready?

Start!

The 20 people.
1. Samuel
2. Victoria
3. Michelle
4. Ria
5. Lutfi
6. Jenson
7. Alwin
8. Keith
9. Arun
10. Selwyn
11. Josh
12. Bart
13. Nicky
14. Wanwin
15. Kenneth
16. Reinald
17. Selina
18. Jeffry
19. Jankin
20. Clifford


1. How did you meet 14?
dec, 3 years ago, BitcH-- ! lol. remember calv and rei? ahahaha.

2. What would you do if you've never met 1?
i'll not have known real love all my 17 years. on the other hand, if i haven't met him, i'll probably be alot happier now. mm.

3. What would you do if 20 and 9 dated?
ARUN AND CLIFFORD? i will just die.

4. Did you ever like 19?
no no no he was a primary school classmate!

5. Would 6 and 17 make a good couple?
jenson (my brother) and selina!? LOL. he thought her friendster pic was hot.. he didn't realised it was a pic of her SHIM (she-him, get it?) friend. but she's definitely hot yeah! my dajie(:

6. Describe 3.
my confidate. the only one i can tell everything to, who gives no judgement, only empathy and the best advice :D love you girl!

7. Do you tink 8 is attractive?
keith.. ahahaha he thinks his hair looks better than mine.. and sure he's cute just think of him drunk and wobbling at 7am in the morning.

8. Tell me something about 7.
he's a little winnie, short and stout! teehee :x

9. Do you know any of 12's family?
mm bart's family has a restaurant and they're thai! yippee!

10. What's 8's favourite?
keith again?! ALCOHOL!

11. What would u do if 18 just confessed he/she likes you?
jekong.. I WILL LAUGH! lol he's like a dear brother to me and i don't know why but i feel protective of him (:

12. What language does 15 speak?
english, chinese, hokkien, maybe a little cantonese? oh yes and the language of talking rubbish ahaha.

13. Who is 9 going out with?
nobody! beer!

14. How old is 16 now?
just turned 18 last month.

15. When's the last time you talked to 13?
umm a few days ago? in school i think!

16. What is 2's favourite band/singer?
my bestie's fave. uh.. alot! currently elva's ta he ta de gu shi i think :x

17. Would you ever date 4?
she's female!!

18. Would you ever date 7?
winnie.. he's my teapot!

19. Is 15 single?
yes but everyone loves him :x

20. What is 10's last name?
lin. CLIFFORD LIN GUANTING. see i remember!

21. Would you ever be in a serious relationship with 11?
josh fong shen wei? LOL. we're just close close friends (:

22. What school does 3 go to?
poly! i think ngee ann :x

23. Where does 6 live?
he lives in my house! cos he's my brother!

24. What's your favourite thing about 5?
lutfi lutfi.. his charm and his affection towards jessica! sweet (:

25. Have you seen number 1 naked?
ahahahaha wouldn't you like to know ;D


Okay, END.
posted by joviee @ 12:46:00 PM


I want to know.

I want to know.

I want to know.

I want to know.

I WANT TO KNOW.

I am seriously considering calling him to ask my question.


NOOOOO... gotta be FIRM!



Why don't you just tell me already? You know what I want to know.
posted by joviee @ 11:45:00 AM


If You Were Mine..


I'll love you so much you'll never ever think of leaving me again.

But now, while you choose to move on and forget the past,

I'll be loving you still.
posted by joviee @ 2:07:00 AM





Happy Pills




Fluoxetine - medicine used for dealing with depression, bulimia, obsessive - compulsive disorder and other illnesses.

I took my first dosage along with the anxiety-relief medication an hour ago.


posted by joviee @ 10:32:00 PM


Pulling From The Roots


The fastest way of healing, would be a certain infliction of self-torture:
The fabrication of worst case scenerios.

If one expects the worst, there cannot be the slightest chance of disappointment.

Having fallen into the depths of the abyss, there is only two possibilities.

The first - Remain where you are.
The second - Climb out of the abyss.

When one reaches the lowest point of life, one can go no lower and will in time, certainly rise up again.


That's what I've been trying to achieve.

The worst thing that could happen in this non-existent relationship?

Him not loving me anymore - which probably is the situation now.
Him loving and dating someone else - which might happen in the near future.

Tormented myself with images after images.

Him meeting her before school, sending her home after school.
Holding hands, cuddling, kissing.
Texting, calling, all those sweet nothings.
Staying over, bathing then sleeping together.

Everything.

Her waking up in his arms.
Him preparing breakfast for her.
Her feeling guilty, telling him to come back to me, and him getting frustrated because he loves her and not me anymore. (yes, what I did then)
His friendster profile status changing to In A Relationship.. with some sweet note about her, and their pictures.
Her bites on his neck, his marks on her..
Him getting jealous over her.
Her getting her every whim fufilled by him.
Him looking at her with love in his eyes..


You get the idea.

Thinking about them.. somehow the pain's less intense, I seemed to be resigned to facts I have no way to change..

But when I DON'T deliberately think about them, waves after waves of bitter melancholia just wash over me.. with a heaviness in the heart that will not lift.


Sigh.
posted by joviee @ 1:08:00 PM


Things aren't always as easy we like them to be.

Lit was a self-study period today.

I couldn't help thinking of what had been, and what it is now.

His tolerance of me has waned.. to the extent of blocking me like he did a particular ex-girlfriend. I imagine him on the phone with his new love interest last night, showering the attention and affection he once did upon me.


Somehow, Natalie's (another ex gf) advice keeps reiterating in my head.

She said she wasn't going to badmouth him, but neither did she feel an obligation to praise and compliment him.

"Keep a close eye on him. Watch him carefully."

Also, her last words to him, "Don't say you'll never hurt her Darling. We've all heard that before."

After he broke her heart, Nat also went through a similar stage of recalling what the girls before her said. I can't remember them for sure, but they were nothing positive.


I thought perhaps I would be different. He seemed too crazy in love to ever hurt me.

I was wrong.

Nobody expected this change of events.

It came too fast, too hard.
posted by joviee @ 9:17:00 AM


A New Leaf




Wash them tears away.

Starting afresh, a new beginning...


P.S. Special thanks to Michelle, Ria, Arun, and you guys out there. You know who you are(:
posted by joviee @ 2:46:00 AM





The End


This is the last straw.

The catalyst of my determination that this will no longer be.

It's not worth one teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy bit.


I don't deny I feel heartbroken, but anger is an excellent tear-stopper.

Always trust a woman's intuition.

I knew everything would change the first day of his new class intake. I never once doubted that no matter how much he denied the fact, and how frustrated he would get over it.

This time, I wish with everything I possess that I can be wrong.

But there's no mistake.

I'm sure I'm right.
posted by joviee @ 11:46:00 PM


Think I got out of the wrong side of the bed today..

NEW LEAF TOMORROW!

No more procrastination, it's a promise(:
posted by joviee @ 11:09:00 AM


My Worst Nightmare


Why now.. and such cruelty, with a long, terrible one of such a tender, heartbreaking subject just when I've thought I've finally managed release.

As a personal test, I've force-tortured myself today. First with the sweetest, happiest and most passionate memories, then the worst, most bitter images that I imagined would come eventually.

I'm in an extreme state of fragility now. I can't allow myself to further break down with recollection of the above.


We were in and out of a pub.

The memory is obscure.. fading with every second.


Him looking me right in the eyes and telling me clearly, though with slight hesitation.

"I don't love you anymore."

I remember forced-kissing him at a point. He was gentle, he didn't push me away, but he was firm. No reciprocation at all. I gave up and stopped in the end.

He was talking in an almost casual manner about a girl he's interested in. I think she works in the pub. I saw her, she was smiling shyly at him.. I'm a little unsure of this point. The girl was on the larger side, but she looked moderately pretty. Even a little wild. I can't remember anything else about her except that she was dark. Not Indian though. Probably African-American?

He told me she was a girl confident of herself, despite her size. And something about.. not wanting a relationship, that he liked her and yes, sex was a factor in this love interest.

"You have a piece of meat placed in front of you, why don't you take it?"

I questioned his interest repeatedly, bombarded him with 'are-you-sure's.
Everytime, his answer was a definite yes.

"I have emotions too Jovina.."

In the nightmare, he seemed nonchalant about the fact that I was hurting terribly, bordering on insanity, and that with every word he was ripping my heart into a million little shreds.


Oh yes.

Curious, curious, were the careful plotting of dialogue and details, that made this horror story screaming with realism.

Before I left (my dad came to pick me up?!), he whispered in my ear "I don't like you looking like a tomboy."

I think I was wearing jeans.

Turning the clock a few months back to the time when we started dating, I can vividly remember him saying something similar everytime I wore pants.


When I woke up, I laid at least 5 minutes on my bed, reeling from the shock and pain. Treading on the thin line between a dream from hell and reality.

Am I alright?

After experiencing the after-effects of my worst nightmare, I'm not okay, definitely.

I wonder whether it resulted on my constant harping on of the subject.


But I have to keep to my new leaf.

A fag and some sleep.. that's what I need.
posted by joviee @ 5:00:00 AM

Tagboard section

; the trouble with love


yes well, i have a conscience. it was this way with my boyfriend before as well, he ended his relationship with his girlfriend because i entered his life. and for weeks i rejected his advances because i read his ex's blog, and i felt guilty that i was the source of her pain and unhappiness.

and now, jh. yes, his gf is taking their break up extremely badly. and my conscience pricks me everytime i read her blog. like, i'm having fun with her ex and she's suffering?

she can't live without him. i can.

i'm gonna let him go, even though i know i'll miss him.

but we can still be friends yeah. (:
posted by joviee @ 1:43:00 AM





; out of the blue


okay. i guess i can't deny there's something between us after the holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing and basically your average couple thingy.

or is there?

is it only a one day thing, or do i want more?

i'm so reluctant to commit myself now after an abusive relationship. and i think he is too. he just doesn't realise that fact yet.

when he asked me who i was talking to on the phone, who i was texting, i felt stressed out. like, it was with s all over again. and i imagine myself going crazy over him getting numbers from other girls and things like that.

i don't want to go through all those again. jealousy, hurt. it's tiring.

but at the same time, being held, and wanted, kissed and protected felt good.

really good.
posted by joviee @ 2:15:00 AM





jh asked me today,

will you ever let anyone into you life ever again?

are you ready for a relationship?


the thing is, i dont' know.

i yearn, i crave for the intimacy and sweetness only a relationship can bring. when we were holding hands, lying on his shoulder i could feel his warmth despite the fact tt his hands were freezing cold.

but at the same time,

i'm afraid. i now have a phobia of relationships. i don't wanna lose my freedom. my friends, my life tt i've fought so hard to get back. also, i guess i'm terrified of getting hurt again.

i swear to myself, il never let anyone else ever say "i own jovina" again.

nobody shall own me.

i want love in my life, but not at the expense of friendships, freedom.
posted by joviee @ 4:37:00 AM





; why


am i imagining things, the day we left the other two playing pool, did we actually hold hands?

am i over-analyzing, or is he giving me hints i'm not decoding?


aah. i don't know.
posted by joviee @ 2:33:00 AM





; because of you


i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did
you fell so hard
i've learned the hard way t never let it get tt far

because of you i never stray too far frm the sideward
because of you i learned t play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard t trust not only me but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid

i lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because i know it's weakness in your eyes
i'm forced to fake a smile a laugh everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole t start with

i watched you die
i heard you cry every night in your sleep
i was so young you should know better than t lean on me
you never thought of anyone else
you just saw your pain

and now i cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing

because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
because of you i am afraid

because of you


posted by joviee @ 3:26:00 AM





; when you told me you loved me


mich says i sound happier.

am i really?

or am i just getting better at covering up my sadness and pain?
posted by joviee @ 2:41:00 AM





; you took my heart away


i was always very fond of him.

but now i find myself anticipating our chats online, hoping for his calls or texts.

he isn't handsome.

but he has the most adorable personality. voice too.

i think i like him.
posted by joviee @ 3:52:00 AM





; fuck i don't want you back


see i don't know why i liked you so much
i gave you all of my trust
i told you i loved you
now it's all down the drain
you put me through the pain
i wanna let you know i feel

fuck what i said it don't mean shit now
fuck the presents might as well throw them out
fuck all those kisses it didn't mean jack
fuck you you hoe i don't want you back

you thought you could keep this shit from me
you burn bastard i heard the story
you played me
you even gave her sex
now you're asking for me back
you're just another act
look elsewhere cos you're done with me

you question, did i care
you could ask anyone
i even said you were my great one
now it's over
but i do admit i'm sad
it hurts really bad
i can't sweat that cos i loved a whore
posted by joviee @ 3:40:00 PM


; life's like this


yesterday was.. complicated. lol.

mich and i went t cine. bought da vinci tickets. saw matthew. and he 'cute' famos amos guy.

whee. i couldn't wait t watch it!

then we headed t indochine. was good. she had strawberry magarita, i had lychee martini. and prawn quechelles. yeh with sugarcane inside. pretty good. the band was fabulous. i like!

oh yes, met my precious. he psycho, beg and treated entrance to indochine's chronic party. YAY. ahaha. so there was uh. precious, iain, some other guy(tt's his name yeh!), adam, dick. and timothy and adam later.

bumped into keith and yingting too! wth ahaha small world. AND arun and chris. ahaha he looks like taufik real life. really! cute cute (:

but the highlight of the evening's gotta be meeting shawn after sucha long time. oh god. i was walking over t cine t sell tickets, and i heard a JOVINA. OHMYFUCKINGGOD.

i gave him a HUGE MEGAWATT HUG. i couldn't help it. i miss him so much. he said i lost weight. lol. tt was what marleen and shermin(hi babes!) said when i bumped into them at cine later.

oh yes back to shawn. he looks the same. except more morose. more silent. the haunted look was back in his eyes. and as usual, i wished i could take his pain away. love you bro.

ok went to cine, met josh jimmy jerrick. no L**. STUPID JOSH DUAED ME PLEASE.

managed t sell tickets! yay! went back t indochine but.. they said the party was stupid. techno all lol. so SUA TIU. mos. then mos. guess what. WIN COULDN'T GET IT. so yes. sua tiu AGAIN.

btw sua tiu is an ahlien form of saying 'change locations'.

ended up at some ulu club at boatquay. i think i got a little wasted. i'm so weak lol. wasn't emo until tt stupid club played love songs. annoying.

interesting night last night.
posted by joviee @ 2:08:00 PM





; what goes around comes around


what comes up must go down.


heaven has no rage like loved to hatred turn'd.
hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.


it's called karma baby, and it goes around (:
posted by joviee @ 3:19:00 PM





; strike one


i should thank him for doing this to me. and thank myself for not picking up his call on tt day, as well as the way i mistreated him so badly in the past. lol.

i never knew what i was missing until today.

when i heard what my mom said t me, another girl, i gave it all up. all away. we've discussed this issue before. if there ever was a third party, it's byebyebye. i texted him for the last time, the last goodbye, and i went on

the perfect first date.

perfect, because of the mutual chemistry and attraction. mutual is important here.

with the ex, it was either him loving me too much, and me not reciprocating, then the other way round. now it's fair, square, equal. sweet(:

the poor guy actually wanted t go t ikoi sushi, but it was full and he felt so guilty so yes, we walked over to the riverside hotel and had another sushi buffet as well! he spent 100+ :x

i feel so relaxed with him. i'm not a material girl but yeh, it strains ties to know tt you have to worry about your guy's budget all the time. whether he can afford this, pushing money for movie tickets and stuff. so taxing -_-

i remember i didn't want a relationship in the first place. i wouldn't mind him being my boyfriend when we were hanging together, and when we're not, hey imma free girl! it's my life, i do what i like. but he ngehsi. lol. and in the end, i couldn't let go. a mistake, but now i see it so clearly. the feeling of being with someone, no strings attached, commitment free is so beautiful. so happy.

nestling in his chest, overpowered by the allure of the aftersmell of cigarette smoke and ralph lauren, blue.

cherished, protected, wanted.

the first kiss after sucha long time, tender and sweet, yet fierce, passionate and oh so yummy.

r: "eh i remember those lips. only there's metal now ;p"
j: "hey i remember those kisses. only it wasn't so wet then."

LOL.

lying in his bed, watching him smoking while using the comp, i felt a twinge of guilt. guilt at the familiarity of it all, at the thought of a particular ex boyfriend.

but then i think to myself. he's out having fun, dating another girl, and feeling not guilty at all. i'm a free girl! i wanted t give him the best he ever had but this was his choice, and i've done everything i could t salvage the relationship so yeah, it's time to move on. but yeah, nobody can love you like i did. just think about it (: don't think of what i've said. think of what i've done. (:

r + j.

i remember how i laughed about it years ago.

romeo and juliet. r______ & jovina.

oh yeh cookie you promised me a helmet yes? i want a dark purple full face with rhinestones and my name engraved! ahahaha.

today was pretty, pretty, almost disney (:
posted by joviee @ 11:37:00 PM


; jamming


yes i'm propaganding O2JAM!

so far i've converted cliff and vic. meow! ahaha.

just visited calv's blog. OMG AM I THE CUTIE :X

okay teehee il choose my own clothes.. don't wanna be in the nude anymore! level10 level10.
posted by joviee @ 3:07:00 AM


; fly away


"when will you be home?" i asked as we watch the planes take off.
we both know we have no clear answer t where your dreams may lead.
i've watched you as you crawled and stumbled,
then, i was your world.

and now t let you go, do you know i bleed?
and yet i still say t you,

you can fly so high,
keep your gaze upon the sky.
i'll be praying every step along the way.
even though it breaks my heart t know we'll be so far apart,
i love you too much t make you stay.
baby, fly away.
posted by joviee @ 1:28:00 AM





; through the rain


i didn't attend singing class today. was ill. and tired. no, i don't think it was cos of what happened. jus take it tt i was really sick yeah.

ria is sucha sweetie pie.

"hey how are you? everything okay? stay healthy, so you can exercise well and be more and more pretty than you thought you'd be. until you suprised yourself and everyone. 'wow.. are you jovina? you are damn sexy.'then oxygen will say 'don't you dare to touch my sexy babe, jovina is mine' hahaha. smile smile smile don't forget to rest more, i saw you so weak i hate tt, i want you to look healthy and pretty.^^"

don't worry people.

i'll be okay, i'll be fine. i don't deny it's painful but yeah.

jovina isn't jovina for nothing (:
posted by joviee @ 10:27:00 PM


meow. the math paper was alright. didn't have the stamina for it though, times when i felt like throwing the pen down and handing the paper in.

the body's taking it more badly than i am. lol. vomitting and couldn't take any breakfast. ah well, not necessary a bad thing. purge all the toxins out! i can't wait t weigh myself on the scales. and everyone's asking me "OMG WHY ARE YOU SO WHITE?!" like !@#$%!@#$%? i don't wear make up to school. lol. i think i'm getting paler. at least tt's what my mom says. which is okay since i've always like the lily white look anyway.

i couldn't help a few bitter streaks of tears last night before i fell asleep la. i'm only human yeah and maybe i was too tired but i wiped them off (: defiant, proud. i can't believe how low i stooped. i can't believe how i clung. was tt me or a woman possessed? i'm jovina after all, and yeah i havta do you guys proud. i stared at the mirror. lifted chin, stay cool. told myself il be fine, and smiled. oh yeah baby lol. daniel's fave line. I MISS TT SILLY BOY MAN. rabah! ahahaha.

keith's right. i shoulda listened to him, shouldn't have insisted stuff and all like. he never cheated on me. yada yada. it's a sooner or later thing he told me. do you honestly think he'll turn away if a girl, jus moderate, she doesn't even need to be very attrative throws herself at him? lol. but i was cocky yeah. i refused t listen, and hell i got myself burnt.

but at least i found out. better sooner than later. i feel nothing but antipathy towards him now. no love, no hope, no wishing tt he'll do well. no hatred, no jealousy, no digust. a little painful i don't deny, the phrase they are made for each other comes to mind every so often and it burns the soul. but its okay. lol. they can go on bouncing all they like. nonchalant. immune. its like whatever he does wouldnt affect me anymore. i mean, how low can a person get? what's the worst situation i can be in when i wasn't over him? it was him moving on with somebody new. yep tts all. and now he has. lol. life will get better. cos it can get no lower. and yeah, if he can move on so quickly, he probably isn't worth my affection after all. ahaha yes the textbook statement but its kinda true yeah.

stupid andi jus bounced onto his girlfriend. koreans are so cute. ahaha. tt freaky ryan is staring again. annoying. he stares at everyone yeah but i will never forgive him for trying to cheat my valentine's last yr. teehee lucky i wasn't stupid, spent it with lei at m hotel i think.

waiting for my history paper now. gonna go watch oxygen play table tennis. lol. meow and have a good day peeps.
posted by joviee @ 10:05:00 AM


i'm still awake yeh. but i didn't cry. lol. is anger sucha good tear stopper? or perhaps i really don't care anymore?

mm.

i don't know. i've got a paper early at 8. and i want t return him his stuff.

yawn.

i think i'm tired. i should go sleep and wait for my shampoo boy's call. lol.
posted by joviee @ 5:26:00 AM


i found it. lol. unwittingly, but yeah, i found it.

had food with sammy, devine one and liTsaaaaaaaaaan. sam and lit are so made for each other. there were so bouncing of each other.

3 days, samuel kang. 3 days after and you got a new girl. wow.

I ASKED YOU. I TOLD YOU MY FRIEND TOLD ME ABOUT THE MALAYSIAN GIRL, YOU DENIED IT IN MY FACE. YOU TOLD ME NOTHING HAPPENED AT THE CHALET. LIED IN MY FACE.

i've never felt so angry. why you guys might wonder. i thought you're over him and all? yes i am, but i never fucking expected this. lol.

bouncing off each other. wtf?

now i know why everything went unanswered.
now i know.

fuck whatever happened to il never cheat on you, il never love another?

bullshit yeah.

and then you come and tell me i'm the bullshitter, the compulsive liar.

oh my god.

thank god i got my priorities sort out, thank god daniel came back.
posted by joviee @ 3:21:00 AM




lol. goddamn retarded. imagining the pooh bear was daniel.

both videos taken last nov i think. nov or dec.
posted by joviee @ 2:58:00 AM



posted by joviee @ 2:54:00 AM


; heaven knows


or am i feeling this way only because he's been so nasty t me nowadays, he prolly has a new girlfriend, and i wanna lie t myself tt i never loved him?

or have i been taking him as daniel all along? have i? tt's why i was subconciously sabotaging our relationship for months?

OMG.


•°¤*(¯`°.vii¢ŧøriiäYEO`.L¯)*¤°•™ ,, * i learned what love is ; from loving you says:
the answer lies deep in ur heart my pig

I DON'T KNOW.

i just know tt i miss daniel terribly. oh god.

i wanna go to taiwan this june!

after going round in a circle, is it still daniel after all?

FU CHIEH HSUN! WO AI NI!
posted by joviee @ 2:19:00 AM


; hu ran hen xiang ni


was browsing the best friend's archives (vic, she's on my network, hot but taken, check her out!) for a video we took months back and i caught glimpses of her posts, that i couldn't resist reading.

very disturbing ):

jan6.
SHE & SAM ,, there's tiis lil confusion between the both of dem. dunno wut's jov thiinking`she kiinda hurt or maybe she already hurtt the poor guy's feelings wiith her mean sms msges. iim lyk tryiing to talk some sense iinto her ,,

met jov at JP todayy ,, she was at SAM's hse b4 tt. dunno wut funny things r they doiing there & i dun wanna know .. iim nt gonna pollute my clean mind. he actually cooked the instant pasta 4 her, iim sure jov did appreciate iit. didnt see DANIEL cooking for her .. hahas. other details r gonna b strictly confidential ,, im nt gonna mention wut i saw or bla bla blaa~ went shopping 4 daniel's so called "farewell" presents. He's gonna leave 4 taiwan tis sunday just after he has been released frm RTC. poor jov ,, she seems depressed.

jan7.
a day we've all been waiiting for. cuz iits DANIEL'S releasedd date from RTC. everyyone was excited - especially jov. she bought everythiing tt she wanted to get for hiim and was eagerly waiiting to pass iit to hiim. jov & ii met vic outsiide the prison bus-stop. we were anxiously waiiting 4 Daniel to come out, sitting there 4 about half n hr plus ,, we still did not c any Daniel iin siight. we decided to g0 iin and ask. The police officer told us tt foreigners will b brought to the ICA immediatly after release. we hurriedly rushed out the door and ran (YES ,, we RAN!) outsiide to flag a cab. finally we reached the ICA, the guard told us tt we were nt allowed inside and the exact timing tt he will b released will nt b fixed, so0o0 tt means Daniel can b released lyk 2 in the morniing is also possible. but we didnt giive up ,, we continued to waiit ouside ,, hopiing every guy tt comes out from the d00r is Daniel Fu! we waiiting till bout 1 plus when jov recieved a phone call. & guess who? YUPPS ,, iits Daniel! at first jov didnt believe .. she tot iit was someone hu was playing a prank on her but actually, iits was really Daniel. her face totally changed - from a sulky , long face to a happy smile. she passed the phone to victor ,, but no hope to c hiim cuz he will b brought to the aiirport directly. both of dem cried ,, maybe cuz after such a long period of nv hearing hiis voice. Of course they were happy tt at least Daniel's voice was heardd.

wentt to Bugiis wiith Jov after tt ,, jov iis lyk now at sam's hse ,, hahas ~ ii think i physco her enough le .. iits up to sam now. lolS =P but wutevr i physco her ,, has always been a fact.

jan 10.
iit was raining againn. wuts wrong wiith the sky?! iits been raining lyk the past few days alreadyy. Jov thiinks tt the raiin is cryiing along wiith her becuz of Daniel,, wentt over to Samuel's hse downstairs to pick up the skates frm hiim. so nice of hiim to go baq up and bring iit baq down cuz he was goiing to the coffee shop to buy breakfast for piggyy & ii was lyk running late. s0o0 sweet rittex? someone out there should undersand how much he lurves u and should treasure hiim too, nt picking on quarrels for a tiiny matter. *YES JOV, iim referiing to U*


our relationship was a mistake from the start.

how could i, the day before daniel's release, fool around with another guy? i know what vic meant by "dunno what funny things they were doing" yeah, i can remember it vividly, it was the day i had marks all over my neck. what was i thinking? what if daniel saw them? what if victor did and told him?

was i sucha slut? i searched through my msg archives and i saw a text from s, on the 7th of jan. 10++ in the morning. yes i remember vic and i on the mrt, on the way t changi t 'fetch' daniel. "I didn't know what to say to you.. Cause i'm so afraid of what you'll say to me. Cause you hurt me really badly yesterday night.." i can't remember what i told him. but we should have ended any relationship we had tt very moment. why oh why did we carry on?

i told daniel i would wait for his return, and tt i'll always love him, the day he was released, before he was sent back t taiwan. i remember victor saying "daniel's so lucky. there's a girl like you out there loving him so deeply." and what happened? in the end i ended up at s's house and probably in his bed? i couldn't believe my eyes when i saw vic's post.

wtf. i am sucha screwed up person.

thank god it's over.

i know i really loved daniel. what i felt for him was real, undeniable.

but did i love samuel? did i really love him, or was he merely a replacement, a subsitute for daniel?

i remember lying on his chest, and him telling me "i'm samuel.. not daniel." i just smiled, and closed my eyes. imagining he was someone else. nights when i looked at him, kissed him and i thought of daniel, i saw daniel's face.

was it a mistake, after all?

i don't know. it doesn't matter now, but somehow, i feel empty and sad inside. realizing tt what i thought i felt was nothing but disillusion.

i thought i loved him. i was wrong.
posted by joviee @ 1:15:00 AM


; silent jealousy


it burns me up but.. whatever. i'm so gonna ignore it.

meowww!

i say it's ok i can promise you it's alright, you ain't keeping me up all night no more.

i assure you babe it's alright, you ain't keeping me up all night no more.

you're not here but it's okay. (:
posted by joviee @ 12:07:00 AM





; rock with me

1) Where was your last kiss? cine. meow (:
2) What color underwear/boxers/thong wearing now? green.
3) What are you listening to right now? nothing! lemme go turn on music.
4) Whats your favorite number? 7
5) What was the last thing you ate? nothing! antidepressants only.
6) When was the last time you smiled? now! calv and his cute pic lol.
7) How is the weather right now? bright and sunny.
8) Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? bro!
9) What is your worst habit? ummm.
10) Do you drink? yep.
11) Do you smoke? yeh sg cigs are burning holes in my wallet!
12) When was the last time, if ever, you blacked out? never!
13) Girlfriend/Boyfriend? single and loving it.
14) Hair color? black! but the gold's showing ):
15) Eye color?: black. or brown. around there.
16) Do you wear contacts? yep!
17) Favorite holiday? xmas!
18) Favorite month? june and dec.
19) Have you ever cried for no reason? there'll be a reason!
20) Last movie you watched? art of seduction. watch & learn, hiao enough aha!
21) Favorite day of the year? christmas!
22) Are you too shy to ask someone out?: maybe.
23) Last advice you received? see the tagboard. stick t your decision!
24) What was the highlight of your weekend? i don't know!
25) Chocolate or vanilla? choco baby.
26) Last text message you received? i think qixian asked me out on fri.
27) Last text message you sent?: vicki!
28) Last person to call you? bro i think.
29) What was the last sports game you watched? soccer! stupid boys ahaha.
30) When was the last time you slept in someone else's bed? month ago. ex bf's.
31) Favorite movies? anything johnny depp!
32) Favorite basketball team? -_-
33) What were you doing before this? call macs!
34) Any pets? teehee my precious beebee!
35) Favorite Drink? sex on the beach.
36) Butter, plain or salted popcorn?: try honey caramel. yummeh!
38) Favorite flower? white lilies with a red rose in the middle (:
39) When was the last time you got in trouble? don't know!
41) Have you ever loved someone? meow.
42) Who would you like to see right now? HIM HIM HIM. ;D
43) Are you still friends with people from kindergarten? yep.
44) Have you ever fired a gun? time crisis!
45) Do you like to travel by plane? yep!
46) What websites do you go to frequently, besides friendster? gmail. blogger.
47). If you could be with anybody right now who would it be? HIM HIM HIM. LOL.
48) How many pillows do you sleep with? one.
49) Are you missing someone? i don't know.
50) How was your day? i keep sleeping!
posted by joviee @ 4:04:00 PM


; fake a smile



ahaha thanks for the cute pic calv! level6 in o2jam already? buy clothes and a hat with hair for me please.. i don't wanna be NAKED! and i won't be sad and i'll be smiling when you get me my ADICOLOR JACKET :x good luck on sel and ahli's bikes yeah hehehe tell them t remember, safety riders please!

i'm a staunch believer of instant chemistry. no, not the rubbish love at first sight, it's LUST! LUST i tell you! nobody would love-at-first-sight with someone physically unappealing yeah? but chemistry.. it's in the first conversation, and you just hit it off, and you find yourself wanting t know tt person better and get closer, closer.

to date, i've only met two of them. and i saw one of them today. meow! a precious from my life, dec 2003. intense attraction rushing back, like i've never felt it before. he was a good looking boy then, and now he's so heartbreakingly beautiful. oh god.

i want, i yearn, i crave.

he takes my breath away.

good luck in guessing who, _ e _ n _ _ d.
people know him as _ e _.

(:

oh yes i just realised. everyone else's busy mugging for exams, and what am i doing?! lol. can't be fucked attitude. it's only mid years after all, little miss too-cool-for-school! <3
posted by joviee @ 3:28:00 PM


; must see tv


http://www.jaggle.nl/log/item.php?id=20646body

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
posted by joviee @ 3:11:00 AM


; act a jov


ahaha yes josh just made me laugh. him and his act-a-jov.

-EMO

-PARANOID

-SLITS WRISTS/PANADOLS

lol!

i read izzy's blog earlier, and i was very suprised t see my name among the 5ive true friends she mentioned. suprised and touched. teehee. i love you too little sister (: i'm glad you moved on and found true love. all the best t you and mark!
posted by joviee @ 2:39:00 AM


; the end

well. the posts he blogged months ago sums up everything i feel, and have to say right now. i don't deny that up till this moment, i was hoping for a reconcilation eventually. be it a month, two months or six. i hoped that waiting would pay off and we would get back together.

but i just realised it's impossible. firstly because of what has happened in the past. secondly because of what might have happened this period of time we're apart. i thought i was strong, that i loved him deep enough to forget and forgive anything he might have done. any girl that might have crossed his life. now i know i'm not. i can't accept the fact that he might have another girl, whether he loved her or it was just a physical thing. and lastly, because of him. he is a changed person. not the one i loved. i loved him, but i don't know the person he is now and how can i claim to love him still?

i must just remember that the past is gone, and that the person who loved me and i loved back doesn't exist.

it's over, over.

this will be the last entry about him.

2am and it'll be a fresh new start.
posted by joviee @ 1:44:00 AM


31 January 2006 - is this going to be the last time?

she just left my place. i guess this break up is for good. i asked her, do you want to be back with me. answer was no. reason was she felt that the way things are now is much better.

you want to, i can choose not to.
you have to, i can not have to.
you need to, i don't see a need to.

don't say i want, have and need to as well. you know i can live without them. i can make a choice and stick to it. i can give you my word and stick to it. how many times have you given me yours and went against it in the end? if you really love a person, the things that you want to do and did can easily not be done instead. i can forgo them. you couldn't.. and i don't know if you ever will be able to. maybe if it's daniel you can. but i'm samuel.. daniel was always be the one you truly ever loved. maybe you did love me, alot in fact, but what was short was the part in you that is unwilling to forgo certain stuff even though you know i wouldn't be happy.

well.. if it has to end this way, i guess it's fated. after you said at the moment you didn't want to be back in this relationship, i know it'll be impossible for us to ever be together again. and whatever i did or say wouldn't change this fact. whatever that i could say or do, i've alr said and done. reassuring you, convincing you, proving that your doubts are wrong and everything.. what haven't i done? i don't know either.

all i hope is that you take care of yourself and love yourself. party if you want, respect your own body and your own pride. drugs are stupid. it's a no-lifer. i'm not hoping for a patch anytime soon cause i know you'll be out there enjoying your new found life (and freedom). giving up all these in exchange for the love from me is not worth it i reckon.

take care jovina, i'm still loving you.
31012006 1015PM

Thursday, February 16, 200616 February 2006 - shameless bastard...

don't get the wrong idea. i'm referring to myself. yes, i'm a shameless bastard.

i just refuse to accept the fact that she doesn't want to be bothered in this relationship anymore. when i screw up, i call her, i bug her, i apologise to her and i do whatever that i can so that she won't be mad at me anymore. but when she screws up, she just sits back and ocassionally message me saying she wants to meet me and stuff. but she just doesn't take any actions at all. she says she doesn't wanna bother me anymore since i made things so clearly. but she made things clearly to me before and she even added quite a few nasty words in there. but i still came crawling back like a dog. i love her too much to just put it down just because of a quarrel.

yesterday night i thought this would be the last straw. i wouldn't ever forgive her, i wouldn't ever want her back again. but i was wrong. i woke up this morning and i realised i still love her. i can't accept it that she could actually do something like this to me. my head is telling me she isn't worth it. she doesn't love me. she doesn't bother about my feelings. she just cares about her freedom, her happiness and her friends. my heart tells me you still love her alot. you can swallow your pride and call her and talk to her. you can ignore the fact the she screwed up time after time and still crawl back to her.

it's tearing me apart.
1820HRS 16 February 2006
posted by joviee @ 1:40:00 AM


; in this life


i don't know what to say. it's evident what went on, from the tagboard.

i'm at a loss. really i am. i just realised he's been lying to me. and it's disconcerting. i never thought he would. everything he told me, i believed 100%. now i feel cheated. hurt. like the whole relationship never happened. it was all in my head.

i was reading our blog. it seemed so. i don't know. sincere. heartfelt. is it possible that they're nothing but a pack of lies, a web of deception? can anyone be that good an actor?

for what it's worth, from the time we broke up when you started school to april 30 when you told me it was over cos i didn't pick up your calls, i haven't been flirting. i kept to my promise, to reserve myself for you. i'm sorry and disappointed you didn't, but at least i found out now. thank you for letting me know. it's a wake up call.
posted by joviee @ 12:43:00 AM





; you raise me up


she picked me up when i was down.

gave me the best advice, and the warmest shoulder of friendship.

i love you mich.

sel will come around. don't over-analyse and worry too much.. (:
posted by joviee @ 10:42:00 PM


; guilty


oh no oh no oh no.

please don't tell me they broke up. please, no.

but it's not my place t say or ask anything.

i'm steamrolled by guilt. is it my fault?
posted by joviee @ 3:23:00 PM


; forever love


i have an exam tmr but i can't get t sleep! my eyes are still swollen from the crying because of his tag ):

voice-convoing with win.. but i have no MIC. grrr yes i feel so useless i wanna kpkb you too! NVM. ALWIN TEO YU MING, mic + one pack of cigs on my doorstep, 27th june! teehee i don't even have t play any music. he's playing emo songs for me from his playlist. -smirks *

oh yes and calv promised me the adicolor jacket on my birthday. MEOW! i'm helping daddy t save $200 in his pocket. :x o2 jam rocks our socks! level up for me yeah and then after my exams.. we'll see who's the expert!

party next friday, keith's. DJ RATTLE!

so much stuff going on after midyears. oh yeah baby!


if that's what you want, we'll lead our separate lives. but i still love you, and i'll be right here waiting for you, darling.
posted by joviee @ 3:31:00 AM





; lost


i really don't know what t do anymore..

i don't know what t think or what t feel anymore.
posted by joviee @ 11:32:00 PM


; breaking my heart


is there another girl and you promised her you wouldn't reply t any of my msges?

is that it sam?

just let me know.
just tell me.

please. please..
posted by joviee @ 7:35:00 PM


; let it out


calling out your name, your face is everywhere.
i'm reaching out t you t find tt you're not there.
i wake up every night t see the state i'm in.
it's like an endless fight i never seem t win.

i can't go on as long as i believe.
can't let go, when i keep wondering:

where are you now?
what have you found?
where is your heart, when i'm not around?
where are you now?
you gotta let me know.
oh baby, so i can let you go.

i can hear your voice, the ring of yesterday.
it seems so close t me, but yet so far away.
i should let it out, t save what's left of me
and close the doors of doubt, revive my dignity.

i should let it out, it's time t let you go.
but baby i just wanna know..

where are you now? what have you found? where is your heart when i'm not around? tell me where are you now.. you gotta let me know. oh baby, so i can let you go..
posted by joviee @ 6:41:00 PM


; where are you


it's been two days since i've heard from you.

i wonder where you've gone.
i wonder what you've done.

i miss you, so very much.
posted by joviee @ 2:53:00 AM





; the opposite


mission impossible iii yesterday, but michelle overslept! i got ready the fastest in my life, half an hour, a record i think, and we cabbed to cathay. my virgin experience! hahaha. but there wasn't any slots so we went to plaza sing. to wait for sel and james, and perhaps watch the movie there.

front rows only ): so i made selwyn's day by suggesting: hey let's not watch a movie after all. so what else, raiders, and i discovered a whole new addiction: O2JAM. it's like rock fever in the arcades. woop! fun way of mindlessly killing time.

yes and calvin was making fun of me all the way. calling me a cam-whore and laughing at my pathetic jamming attempts. first timer okay! i loved his adicolor jacket though, GORGEOUS. i couldn't bring myself t take it off once i tried it on. pretty pretty! i want it i want it i want it! *HINTS.

did i mention spiderman and mary-jane? these two absolutely adorable hamsters mich got for sel. aha spiderman got stolen though so a friend of theirs got mary-jane two companions, which james christianed venom. -rolls eyes * yes venom, spidey's 'friend/enemy'. lol.

mm yeah, so sel went home on his skipper, calv and i shared a cab home. hehe he was really sweet, insisted on sending me home, and even got the cab uncle to drive off only after i got into the lift. thank you(:

today, i just got home from a bbq at my cousin's place. new deals! <3 $40 for a slot of malaysian cigs, and i finally got a buyer for my gudang garam! my cousin's lifeguard colleague. YAY YAY YAY!

i never realised tt samuel's devotion to bikes had actually captured my interest as well. i found myself unconsiously responding, pricking up my ears at the mention of them. started a whole conversation with my cousin's tutor on his bike! it was interesting, life at the point of view of a 28 year old.

boys and their toys. when they were young it was little models. then remote controlled versions. tamiyas, remember the craze? and then it'll be bikes and cars. you guys will never outgrow this fascination. the older, the bigger and more expensive, tt's all.

THAT'S BAD NEWS FOR US WOMEN. different frequencies yeah sisters?

hahaha ><
posted by joviee @ 11:23:00 PM


; wonderful tonight


such a beautiful, sweet song by eric clapton. i remember keith and bryan singing to it. they sounded good and sentimental, very unlike them. ahaha. which reminds me, i still owe bryan $10 and a big thank you for making sure i got home safely even though he was wasted and all. it's been a few weeks already, i wonder what those two are busy with.


and the wonder of it all, is tt you just don't realise how much i love you..

and now i tell her, as i turn off the light, i said my darling.. you were wonderful tonight.


i've never said this to you baby.. but you were so wonderful every night.

i miss you so.
posted by joviee @ 2:51:00 PM


; ex-girlfriend


ex-girlfriend you can't have him
it's about time tt you found you a new man
he's moved on

don't you know, don't you know
you gotta let him go, let him go

ex-girlfriend you don't listen
stop trying
he's not gonna give in
he's not yours anymore

hey ex-girlfriend
it's too bad when you had him y'all thing didn't work
but he's all mine now
so stop pursuing him before you get your feelings hurt

see our love is hot and no it won't stop cos i got him on lock
and although he rejects you it don't seem t affect you
cos you just keep trying t get with him

so don't, don't keep calling
hanging up the phone when i answer
i know it tears you up inside
and why do you sit in silence on the other end
til i hang up and you predictably call right back again

hey ex-girlfriend whatever your name is
i'm really not amused
cos the things you do are very offensive
and sometimes straight up rude

all those late night calls and notes on his car
won't get you anywhere
you can call his mom as much as you want
and he won't really care

i understand why you want him back
but don't you know
our love's too strong for you t penetrate

it's too late
he's not your baby no more


this song tears me apart.
because i'm the ex-girlfriend, and that's exactly what i'm doing.


don't let this happen t me baby.
don't fall in love with somebody new.
don't find somebody else you call girlfriend.

please.. don't.
posted by joviee @ 5:17:00 AM


allison and i break up. it isn't her fault and it isn't my fault. we still love each other but we can't get along and we're tired of hurting each other and we need to be apart. i miss her. i miss everything about her. my life my heart my house my bed is empty without her, i'm empty without her. i cry myself to sleep at night. she's on the other side of town it might as well be the other side of the earth. i cry myself to sleep at night.

-from my friend leonard, james frey


samuel and i broke up. is it his fault? is it my fault? i still love him, i don't know whether he still loves me, but we can't get along and we're tired of hurting each other and we need to be apart. i miss him. i miss everything about him. my life my heart my house my bed is empty without him, i'm empty without him. i cry myself to sleep at night. he's on the other side of jurong it might as well be the other side of the earth. i cry myself to sleep at night.

-jovina
posted by joviee @ 4:57:00 AM





; sneaky connivers


i swear the world is out to get me to club!

what with all the trance + acid from cliff earlier and now major rnb haul from win.

oh god.

EXAMS. EXAMS. EXAMS.
posted by joviee @ 4:39:00 AM


; beautiful goodbye


i thought it was all in my head but something felt wrong with my heart,
and was i a fool t believe tt nothing could tear us apart?

but little by little we changed, and maybe we'll never know why.
something is gone from my touch and it's written deep in your eyes.

we'd never be the way we were so why are we trying t pretend?
if we know it's gonna hurt it's better left unsaid.

you don't havta say a word cos deep inside i already know,
but you can't keep holding on just because i can't let go.

it'll be alright, try not to cry.
but you walk out my life,
just leave me with a beautiful goodbye.

forever is easy t say but now my forever is gone.
can't you see nobody's right and can't you see tt nobody's wrong?

i'm gonna miss what we had and even though it's killing me,
i gotta see things the way tt they are and not the way tt i wish they would be.
posted by joviee @ 3:49:00 AM


; good music


all that trance and acid from clifford makes me feel like dancing.

those podium nights. aaah!

party party party!

i just realised i've never once danced with baby ):

-smacks head *

no emo thoughts!
posted by joviee @ 3:10:00 AM


; fairytales



it would be our 4th month anniversary today.


happy 4th month baby. i'm still loving you..
posted by joviee @ 12:16:00 AM





; A Poem Specially For My Piggy ;)*
because i love u!


When you love someone so deep inside,
It seems like it's so easy to hide.
You've loved him for so very long,
You would think he could do no wrong.

Every day you would hope and pray,
That he would always stay this way.
He treated you like you should be treated,
You thought your life was finally completed.

You thought your love was growing true,
And then one day it was all so blue.
He started putting you down and it hurt,
You thought all you were to him was dirt.

He started ignoring you and you wondered why,
All you wanted to do was curl up and die.
You thought your relationship would never end,
But that was all so fake and pretend.

One night he was so sweet to you,
You thought all those things were maybe untrue,
Two days later he was back the same,
You thought you were the one to blame.

He thought the relationship was getting too serious
And that you had become a little too curious.
By this time you knew it wouldn't last,
All the nice things he said were in the past.

You thought that you would marry him some day,
But this time God wanted to get his way.
You wanted things back how they were before,
But you knew this couldn't happen anymore.


viictoriia ; the owner

posted by joviee @ 4:10:00 PM


; not-okay


i don't know why every little action of his disconcerts me so much.

i couldn't get out of bed today. couldn't eat a single thing.

mom just forced me outta bed so here i am, blogging.

had a full day planned, but just the thought of changing and everything.. oh god.

i wanna breathe again.

can anyone help me?
posted by joviee @ 3:51:00 PM


; playing with fire


will get you burnt i know.

but hell, i'm bleeding already, what's a few more burns?

the world's my ashtray.


p.s. i AM bleeding, literally. the red lady's early this month. ;D
posted by joviee @ 2:41:00 AM


; eye candy


guitarists are so hot.

-slurps*
posted by joviee @ 1:44:00 AM





; a song for you


birdnest birdnest birdnest!

hehe isn't it ironic for me to be blogging so happily about food when i was just grousing about it earlier?

but birdnest for dinner is certainly a treat, a delight after so long. thank you daddy!

oh yes i have to select a song for the competition for year 1 students in the music school.

ideas anyone?
posted by joviee @ 11:33:00 PM


; food


i never ever thought food would one day become a chore, a liability.

i mean, i loved t eat!

but now it is.

i had to shovel spoonfuls of tasteless porridge in my mouth, make myself swallow them, and afterwards, gulp down my vomit/nausea medication to prevent myself from barffing it all out.

breakfast & lunch are thus forcibly taken.
posted by joviee @ 4:18:00 PM





i'm been reading blogs. and i realised tt mine is by far the most depressing and reiterating one.

it revolves around the same issue.

which i know can get boring.

but this is my outlet to rant. so i shall not stoop to commercialism like i did two years ago. only some friends have the link to this blog and i'm happy with tt.

two years ago i had many complete strangers reading my blog. i don't know how they got it. lotsa comments, and tags, and i found myself struggling to come up with something witty and impressive to blog daily. until it became a chore.

so now i'm do what i like. tt's what a blog's for.
posted by joviee @ 4:10:00 PM


i cannot believe myself.

i actually lost it and pestered him both on friendster and texts.


why isn't the medication helping? i've been taking those anti-depressants for 10 days already. only the anxiety one helped. when i woke up, i was burning inside. the thought this time was whether there's somebody else. i don't know why there's the burning. so i texted him. and i dragged myself out to take the pill and i calmed down, breathing regulate.

why can't i eat a single thing without vomitting? it's been three days since i've eaten. why do i feel tired all the time? the exams are here and i can't sit down and study.

why can't this happen after my o's? right smack in the middle of the year. i can't afford t flunk. i have to do well.

from the time i got home at 10 i've been sleeping and lying on the bed until now i'm finally forced out cos the aircon repair men are here.

am i just ill or am i just lovesick?

i'm sorry for this. sorry t him, sorry t my friends, sorry t myself.
posted by joviee @ 3:37:00 PM





; power of love


was about t succumb t the urge t text him.

i wanted t tell him, i know he doesn't expect me t keep my promise of waiting for him. but deep inside, does he hope that i will? or does he wish me t give up totally. t let him go.

has he moved on with life and found himself someone else he loves? or does he still have a place in his heart for me?

i wished he would tell me that he would save his love, reserve himself for me.

but i heard the lyrics of a song.. and i managed to control myself, or maybe it just rang deep into my heart.


只要你过得很好什么都已不重要 我不会故意打扰更不会让你烦恼

as long as you're happy and doing well, nothing else matters.
i'll not disturb you, much less cause you stress.


i love him so much. i'm prepared t take on anything.

silly perhaps?
posted by joviee @ 11:03:00 PM


while i'm suffering in silence, in such immense pain, are you out there having fun with your friends? are you out dating another girl?

everytime i think of you, all the times i cry because of you, is there another pretty face you have on your mind?

i don't begrudge you for being happy. it's everyone's right. but it hurts terribly just the same.

i want to see you so badly. to wait for you outside your house. but i know i wouldn't know what to say when i do see you. and i know you'll just chase me away. worst, you might be holding the hand of another girl, both of you flushed and happy, waiting to enter home sweet home.

but i won't bother you with my pain. it'll be my entirely my own. that's what i told you i'll try to do, to leave you alone, because that's what you want, and it's all i can do for you now.
posted by joviee @ 7:25:00 PM


; a cry for help


Barely holding on.

So close to collapsing.

I'm worned out, exhausted.

I'm supposed to be okay. A pretence of cheerfulness, a facade of strength.

But I yearn for a word of intimacy, crave for a touch of comfort.


But nobody's here, nobody cares..

Nobody sees these tears, but they're real all the same.


Exams, break-up, illness..

Why are all these piling up on me?

God must really, really hate me.
posted by joviee @ 6:22:00 PM


; post breakup


the aftermath? and i'm only going t touch on the physical aspect (:


puffy, bloodshot eyes: 1 litre of tears + too much sleeping can do this t you.

downfall of immune system: clinical depression, flu, sore throat, vomitting.

perpetual fatigue: lack of energy t actually do anything productive.


pretty sad huh? but now for the good news..

MY SCHOOL SKIRT IS EVEN LONGER NOW!

teehee. which, in other words mean.. I'VE LOST WEIGHT!

although i don't think it really shows but..

6kgs in a month! beat that! whoopee.

another 10 more and i'll be pretty pretty. ;D


meowmeow!
posted by joviee @ 11:11:00 AM


; the reason

i'm not a perfect person
there's many things i wish i didn't do
but i continue learning
i never meant t do those things t you
and so i have t say before i go

tt i jus want you t know
i've found a reason for me
t change who i used t be
a reason t start over new
and the reason is you

i'm sorry tt i've hurt you
it's something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through
i wish tt i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears

tts why i need you t hear
i've found a reason for me
t change who i used t be
a reason t start over new
and the reason is you

i've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all tt i do

and the reason is you (:
posted by joviee @ 10:39:00 AM





talking t angie online after so long.. miss my darling man. sigh.

she's in the exact same boat. after hy broke up with her, he wouldn't reply her msges and i think he blocked her as well. she told me he spent all his money on her, make her feel secure and happy.. and got jealous way too easily. sounds familiar? she said maybe she didn't treasure him enough.. and now she's waiting for him even though she knows nothing will come out of it. it's been 2 months since her breakup alr.

asked her how she dealt with it. k. sigh. if it was me of two years back.. definitely. but i've laid off drugs now. and i know if i ever touch them.. sam will never ever want me back. maybe he won't care la but. it's just what i think. she said she textd him before tt, he didn't reply so smack smack smack. jus like i call him, no reply, drink drink drink. lol.

she thought i was the one who dumped him. lol. tt's what everyone thinks.

she told me something tt really suprised me though. "do you know he cried for you?" i mean sure yes i knew of some instances but ??? how would you know. she said once at ktv with arvyn vic and joseph he was there, he looked really sad and when she sang lian ai ping lu, he started t cry! i was like WTF.. i remembered us quarreling over this, i didn't want him drinking with girls around but i didn't remember him being sad or anything.

perhaps i never really knew his pain. how he felt when i still felt for daniel, still thought of daniel and even h when i was with him. when i asked for breakups so easily and cooly. all those times he wrote in his phone's notepad. all those times i shunned his touch. the time he asked me all sadly don't i deserve to be loved and pampered by you? i must have really hurt him badly. i remember how he went all over t get my kinder suprise.. woke up specially in the mornings to fetch me from school when i can jus make my way over myself. how he prepared my burgers for me.

thinking of all this, i feel like i deserve what i'm going through now. i wish he'll give me a chance to make it up to him. i'll give you all the love you deserve. if he wouldn't give me the chance.. well chances are created by man. i'll jus have to create my own. and if it still doesn't work.. please just let me do little things for you. little gestures of sweetness, of love, because it makes me happy.. if you hate them just put them into the box. jus don't throw it away..

please stop blocking me.. ni neng bu neng bu guan guo de hao bu hao, bu yao gu yi duo kai bu rang wo zhi dao..?

i jus want you to be happy.. xi wang ni guo de hao..
posted by joviee @ 6:48:00 PM


i'm feeling better now.. so i should not whine too much about sam blocking me. he's blocked me for a week already. i wonder whether if it's because

a) he hates me and doesn't want t talk t me
b) he doesn't want me talking t him
c) he blocked me, moved me to females, and FORGOT ALL ABOUT ME. ):
d) blocked and deleted.

c & d, ultimate worst right? sigh. he's still in my personals. i can't bear to put him into males with 40 other guys. i don't want t be in his xfemales! ):):): okay i'm getting so emo talking about this. change of topic.


yknow, all my life people have been thinking i'm this outgoing, popular person. in fact when i was younger, i embraced the title. i was disgusted by my horoscope. cancer? wtf? this emotional oversensitive crab? what loves family and devoted all? no no i'm a party girl who likes t have fun!

but gradually as i got older i realised.. the crab is really.. me. lemme go checkout astrology online and post the traits.

Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic

Changeable and moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let go

ok besides the cautious part. TELL ME WHICH PART OF IT DOESN'T RESEMBLE ME?

i don't fall out of love once i'm in love. you guys know tt? with terence it was because he chose t move on. he told me most clearly it was over. he had girlfriends. i was immature then, and i used guys t forget him. but i only truly got over him i think a year++ later. with samuel now i really wonder. i've grown up now. no more playing around. so how long will i take t forget him? 2 year++? sigh..

the other boyfriends.. well when i wasn't in love it's a bah! i dump i throw. t & s both kept coming back.. and in the end i fell in love. the rest either gave up, because i can be really harsh, or stuff. tt's why i love them both so much. they cherished me, loved and protected me at my worst. and i know they deserve me at my best.

so no i'm no flirt queen. no CHK. no clubbing queen young and wild barely 16! lol. these were those nicknames friends gave.

seriously though. popularity is not as hyped as it is. it stinks actually. its nice la, i mean i remember arvyn and angela saying hey jov you're old student yeh? and i was like no i'm new why. and they were like oh you know everyone blabla. and arun.. so jovo how does it feel to be popular? and win. jov help me sell tics leh. i know you've got lotsa lobangs.

but in actuality. its a perpetual state of lonliness.

i've been back t town alot recently. and i bump into friends everywhere. on a fri or sat i will bump into at least 5 groups of friends, and at least 10 people i know. once i jus walked over t cine and was smoking at the railings and tada. friends and friends jus kept milling past.

but it's sad because i realised something. with less than half of them i managed to hold a 10 min convo. maybe i'm putting myself down too hard. i mean, they were with friends, i can't expect them to stop and chat right? but i found it so sad tt for many it was simply hi! hug* how are you? what are you doing now? oh this is your boyfriend/friend? ok see you keep in touch!

i still feel lonely.

i was horrified when vic said "hey sounds like you got back your old lifestyle eh! town and all"

i've never thought of it in tt context. after she said tt i.. refused t go t town the last weekend. spent fri sat at home, and sun with my cousin. no way do i wanna return to the hypocritical endless life of cine cine cine.
posted by joviee @ 5:53:00 PM


i am relatively worried about the control those anti depressants have over my state of emotions. i forgot my medication this morning, and has been blowing up at everyone since. my mom, my friends.. i had to control my tempers with nicotine, and considering my sore throat, reds are very bad for me at this point of time. ): ah well at least their frm singapore.

wanted t leave breakfast and a good luck note outside his door today.. set my alarm to 5am and i actually woke up! but as i was putting the food into the oven i fell asleep again and by the time my mom woke me up on the sofa it was 7:28am. sigh. maybe it's a good thing. i wouldn't have the chance t bump into him or anything. i mean the over imaginative brain thinks.. what if he walks out with a girl! then the girl will be like oh who's tt from and then he'll be like dunno and just throw it away! wouldn't tt really break my heart and stuff?

but i actually like doing stuff like tt. maybe it's just the housewife instincts coming in. i don't want him t feel touched or guilty or even grateful. i just want to do it cos it keeps me happy.

i'm very inclined to text him and ask him how his test went. CONTROL... maybe i'll jus write a letter and burned it up or smth. i'm afraid if i leave letters he'll jus rip them up in front of the girl (OKAY THERE'S NO GIRL.. KEEP EMOTIONS IN CHECK) like he did natalie's note! isn't tt worst than me burning it up myself?

i remember he told me he'll stay in love even if we don't meet or contact each other. i know i can, but i worry tt he'll forget me. will he? ):

and water is avoiding me. i can tell. we bumped at the corridor and he just looked right at the floor. goodness i hope he didn't get the wrong idea... RIA'S interested.. not ME.

i think my lack of medication is getting to me. i'm getting hysterical with every word i type. signing off for now, ria's bought japanese food for me. hopefully i can have my first meal in days.
posted by joviee @ 11:06:00 AM





Today has been a better day than the rest.

I've smiled, from the heart.


Cousin came over today.. We talked and I was amazed by how her life had change in a span of.. I don't know. A few months? She used to come over to my place weekly until this year, but I just thought she was busy with school and all. I had no idea..

Went over to JP.. Both of us were shopping for gifts! Haha.


I kinda miss him. : Do you miss me too baby?
posted by joviee @ 9:22:00 PM





oh jov.. what's the use?

you're too ill to even get out of bed. why are you fucking obsessing over someone who doesn't love you?
posted by joviee @ 1:13:00 PM





today was terrible. i don't know why. everything was fine in the morning, but from the moment i got home.. crying jag from 2 - 7. nonstop. i thought i would be fine once i indulged a little and allowed myself to cry everything out but it doesn't work this way. i felt really lethargic but i've been lying down for too long.

every two hours i'll check the computer. no reply. he doesn't even view my profile anymore. and i'm being perpetually blocked. i still left him in personals. am i now in his list of females? are my letters removed, my msges deleted?

the vomitting is getting worst. without eating at all i can still manage to vomit. to the point that i'm too tired to even vomit, it still rushes up. and new afflictions of the day, sore throat and flu.

i'm now taking six different forms of medication today. but he can't even be bothered to reply me. he's so heartless.. whatever happened to his promises of love? i remember the time he came over once he returned from the hospital just because i was ill. sigh.. i wish he can be here, i wish he'll just contact me but at the same time i'm afraid i'll never let him go once he does.

i imagine how it'll be like if he comes over and just take care of me for the night. it'll be like a dream. but what will it be the next day when he leaves for good?

this is the first time i've been so desperately contacting someone for so long and doing so much with totally no reciprocation. a clean demand to break up. i've never been on the receiving end.. this is a first.

he told me there's nobody new. but if there isn't, why doesn't he care anymore..?

everyday is a hard journey for me. even when i want to sleep.. i still can't bring myself to before coming online, checking his friendster, checking mine, checking my blog..

life seems so bleak and cheerless. a future without him.. i see no point in it. what if life goes on like this everyday? how can i live like this? it's so painful. so pointless.

i've no strength to study. but i know i must. it's a critical year..

right now if i've a choice i'll want to leave. to die. but i know it's foolish of me. if i don't die, the pain will be worst. if i do die, won't i regret it? i'll be 18 next year. deep inside i know 18 will be a good year. new courses, new friends, driving license, the legal age and everything.

but it's still a long way from now.. can i get through this?
posted by joviee @ 8:17:00 PM


The Last Goodbye (for now)



Yes, I've told him everything I wanted to say. No more regrets.

Whether he replies or not.. I'll be sticking to what I said.


For now I'm contented just to be his friend. A friend who'll be there unconditionally. Whatever happens, I'll be there if ever he needs me. I'm not asking for anything in return. It's enough to know the one you love's well and happy. I hope he always remembers, for him I'll always be only a call away..

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm making life difficult for myself. Why not just forget him, the past and move on totally? It was only then it struck me, despite the hurt, the pain, I still long to be with him. My love for him remains, maybe even deeper, and stronger.

I've heard all the textbook replies to getting over a failed relationship. "There are better people out there. Better-looking, more highly educated, wealthier background, older and more matured guys are everywhere." And also the standard "He's not worth your time. You're too good for him, you're so much better than this."

At the beginning, I wasn't very sure of him. It took me time to accept him. He wasn't the type.. my type of guy. I thought him not cute enough. Not tall enough. Not deep enough. His redeeming traits were that he was coherent in English, and his relentless pursue of myself. But over time, I grew to love him. His independence, his intellect, his affection, his fragility, his possesiveness.. Everything.

I've only felt emotions as intense for one other person all my life. With both of them, I look at guys with unseeing eyes. The thought of finding a new love never occur to me, not even subconsciously. I accept and cherish friendship with guys, but I turn away at the thought or hint of anything more.

Friendship is the only alternative he left me, and I'll take it, embrace it with everything I have.

I accept it because there's too much pain, hurt and misunderstandings between us now. Time will heal this. Time apart from Victoria, my best friend, made me forget her little flaws, even though I loved her despite them.

So, as much as I yearn for the comfort of his arms, I understand, at least that it's momentarily impossible. We've both learned to live without each other in our everyday lives. The sudden expectations that will arise from reconcilation will be too much for us, and I know we'll end up breaking apart eventually. I love him, but I love my friends too. If he tells me, "We'll get back together if you can give up your friends", I know I'll agree to it. But will I be truly happy..?

I remember a time when I felt true happiness, and bliss. It was when I had my friends back, and I still retained his love. Though it didn't last, I'll never forget how it felt. Life just seemed beautiful.

And even though sometimes I go crazy wondering what's going on with his life, I accept that I have no right over it, and I don't brood that much. Questions like "Who did you talk to today?", "Any new girl?" tires both of us dreadfully, and elevates the ill-feeling between us.

I never doubted that he really loved me. Nobody can dispute that fact.

I can't help smiling as I remember our first msn conversation. Hints of love at first sight, and the last "I'm attracted to you - sleep on that." Is it possible to light up that spark again? If we erased everything, the history of the past together and the love and hurt we've been through, if we're two strangers meeting for the first time, I wonder if he'll feel the same.

Have I changed since? The hairstyle, maybe. What charmed him then? I've never thought to ask.

He told me he doesn't know what will happen. Maybe if the right girl comes along.. he wouldn't remain single.

If we met once again as strangers, will I be that right girl? Imagine he had a memory loss and then he met me again. Will I be the one again?




I can promise, confidently that I will remain single Sam. I don't expect you to do so. I know it's only a matter of time for you. But deep down, I hope that I've made a difference. I hope that I've set a benchmark for your girlfriends in future. That no one can just stroll casually into your life and replace me. That you'll find it difficult to love someone as deeply as you loved me.

Of course.. I wish to retain the Most Loved title.

I'll be happy for you if you find someone you really love again. Pain is non-deniable, but I'll really wish you all the best, from the sincerity of my heart. Even then I believe I'll still be loving you, only in silence. I'll hate myself if I ever become a cause of unhappiness between you and the future girlfriend, if any.

Sometimes, I wonder why you think of finding love elsewhere. There's a girl in front of you, who loves you with everything she has. You once loved her, so the problem doesn't lies with her, but the many events and issues that has happened between the two of you. Can it really not be solved?

But like I said, I know that this is not the time.

Remember me. Remember us.

Nobody can love you as much as I do.
Can you really love someone as much as you loved me?

There are no promises between us, but know this. That I'm waiting for you. That I'll never give up on you. This period of non-contact might allow you to forget me, but for me, I'm using it to mould myself into the perfect individuelle you'll someday learn to love again.

I'm fighting a war against myself. When I've overcome and won the battle, that's when I'll fight for you again. I love you.
posted by joviee @ 4:55:00 AM


I hope he got my msg.

My internet connection went down just after I sent it. ):
posted by joviee @ 12:00:00 AM





I'm feeling terrible.

I can't seem to breathe properly, I've just vomitted despite having eaten NOTHING at all the entire day, my stomach's feeling queasy, I'm having a killer headache and a fever and worst of all, I'm really lethargic.

How can I be tired? I've slept from maybe 3am - 10 am today! And I've napped for at least a couple of hours too.

In an hour I have to meet Vicki to go down for singing lessons together. ): It's $50+ per session. I can't bring myself to skip it.

I'm really worried. Is this the side-effect of the anti-depressants? Jack told me not to take them. Said it slows down the mind, which is what calms a person down. I wonder if it's true.. slows the mind..

I can't afford to be tired and dumb right now, even if it makes me happier which it doesn't!


I've msged him. I'm really afraid of his answer, but really.. I feel like I have to know. This daily guesswork is killing me. If he does reply, I know he won't lie to me. Begged him to reply.

Sometimes it amazes me how relationships work. One person can just move on totally without a backward glance, while the other, engulfed by pain, falls into despondency and hopelessness.
posted by joviee @ 4:38:00 PM


Boredom Kills!


Name 20 ppl you can think of right now at the top of your head. Dont read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 20 ppl. Ready?

Start!

The 20 people.
1. Samuel
2. Victoria
3. Michelle
4. Ria
5. Lutfi
6. Jenson
7. Alwin
8. Keith
9. Arun
10. Selwyn
11. Josh
12. Bart
13. Nicky
14. Wanwin
15. Kenneth
16. Reinald
17. Selina
18. Jeffry
19. Jankin
20. Clifford


1. How did you meet 14?
dec, 3 years ago, BitcH-- ! lol. remember calv and rei? ahahaha.

2. What would you do if you've never met 1?
i'll not have known real love all my 17 years. on the other hand, if i haven't met him, i'll probably be alot happier now. mm.

3. What would you do if 20 and 9 dated?
ARUN AND CLIFFORD? i will just die.

4. Did you ever like 19?
no no no he was a primary school classmate!

5. Would 6 and 17 make a good couple?
jenson (my brother) and selina!? LOL. he thought her friendster pic was hot.. he didn't realised it was a pic of her SHIM (she-him, get it?) friend. but she's definitely hot yeah! my dajie(:

6. Describe 3.
my confidate. the only one i can tell everything to, who gives no judgement, only empathy and the best advice :D love you girl!

7. Do you tink 8 is attractive?
keith.. ahahaha he thinks his hair looks better than mine.. and sure he's cute just think of him drunk and wobbling at 7am in the morning.

8. Tell me something about 7.
he's a little winnie, short and stout! teehee :x

9. Do you know any of 12's family?
mm bart's family has a restaurant and they're thai! yippee!

10. What's 8's favourite?
keith again?! ALCOHOL!

11. What would u do if 18 just confessed he/she likes you?
jekong.. I WILL LAUGH! lol he's like a dear brother to me and i don't know why but i feel protective of him (:

12. What language does 15 speak?
english, chinese, hokkien, maybe a little cantonese? oh yes and the language of talking rubbish ahaha.

13. Who is 9 going out with?
nobody! beer!

14. How old is 16 now?
just turned 18 last month.

15. When's the last time you talked to 13?
umm a few days ago? in school i think!

16. What is 2's favourite band/singer?
my bestie's fave. uh.. alot! currently elva's ta he ta de gu shi i think :x

17. Would you ever date 4?
she's female!!

18. Would you ever date 7?
winnie.. he's my teapot!

19. Is 15 single?
yes but everyone loves him :x

20. What is 10's last name?
lin. CLIFFORD LIN GUANTING. see i remember!

21. Would you ever be in a serious relationship with 11?
josh fong shen wei? LOL. we're just close close friends (:

22. What school does 3 go to?
poly! i think ngee ann :x

23. Where does 6 live?
he lives in my house! cos he's my brother!

24. What's your favourite thing about 5?
lutfi lutfi.. his charm and his affection towards jessica! sweet (:

25. Have you seen number 1 naked?
ahahahaha wouldn't you like to know ;D


Okay, END.
posted by joviee @ 12:46:00 PM


I want to know.

I want to know.

I want to know.

I want to know.

I WANT TO KNOW.

I am seriously considering calling him to ask my question.


NOOOOO... gotta be FIRM!



Why don't you just tell me already? You know what I want to know.
posted by joviee @ 11:45:00 AM


If You Were Mine..


I'll love you so much you'll never ever think of leaving me again.

But now, while you choose to move on and forget the past,

I'll be loving you still.
posted by joviee @ 2:07:00 AM





Happy Pills




Fluoxetine - medicine used for dealing with depression, bulimia, obsessive - compulsive disorder and other illnesses.

I took my first dosage along with the anxiety-relief medication an hour ago.


posted by joviee @ 10:32:00 PM


Pulling From The Roots


The fastest way of healing, would be a certain infliction of self-torture:
The fabrication of worst case scenerios.

If one expects the worst, there cannot be the slightest chance of disappointment.

Having fallen into the depths of the abyss, there is only two possibilities.

The first - Remain where you are.
The second - Climb out of the abyss.

When one reaches the lowest point of life, one can go no lower and will in time, certainly rise up again.


That's what I've been trying to achieve.

The worst thing that could happen in this non-existent relationship?

Him not loving me anymore - which probably is the situation now.
Him loving and dating someone else - which might happen in the near future.

Tormented myself with images after images.

Him meeting her before school, sending her home after school.
Holding hands, cuddling, kissing.
Texting, calling, all those sweet nothings.
Staying over, bathing then sleeping together.

Everything.

Her waking up in his arms.
Him preparing breakfast for her.
Her feeling guilty, telling him to come back to me, and him getting frustrated because he loves her and not me anymore. (yes, what I did then)
His friendster profile status changing to In A Relationship.. with some sweet note about her, and their pictures.
Her bites on his neck, his marks on her..
Him getting jealous over her.
Her getting her every whim fufilled by him.
Him looking at her with love in his eyes..


You get the idea.

Thinking about them.. somehow the pain's less intense, I seemed to be resigned to facts I have no way to change..

But when I DON'T deliberately think about them, waves after waves of bitter melancholia just wash over me.. with a heaviness in the heart that will not lift.


Sigh.
posted by joviee @ 1:08:00 PM


Things aren't always as easy we like them to be.

Lit was a self-study period today.

I couldn't help thinking of what had been, and what it is now.

His tolerance of me has waned.. to the extent of blocking me like he did a particular ex-girlfriend. I imagine him on the phone with his new love interest last night, showering the attention and affection he once did upon me.


Somehow, Natalie's (another ex gf) advice keeps reiterating in my head.

She said she wasn't going to badmouth him, but neither did she feel an obligation to praise and compliment him.

"Keep a close eye on him. Watch him carefully."

Also, her last words to him, "Don't say you'll never hurt her Darling. We've all heard that before."

After he broke her heart, Nat also went through a similar stage of recalling what the girls before her said. I can't remember them for sure, but they were nothing positive.


I thought perhaps I would be different. He seemed too crazy in love to ever hurt me.

I was wrong.

Nobody expected this change of events.

It came too fast, too hard.
posted by joviee @ 9:17:00 AM


A New Leaf




Wash them tears away.

Starting afresh, a new beginning...


P.S. Special thanks to Michelle, Ria, Arun, and you guys out there. You know who you are(:
posted by joviee @ 2:46:00 AM





The End


This is the last straw.

The catalyst of my determination that this will no longer be.

It's not worth one teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy bit.


I don't deny I feel heartbroken, but anger is an excellent tear-stopper.

Always trust a woman's intuition.

I knew everything would change the first day of his new class intake. I never once doubted that no matter how much he denied the fact, and how frustrated he would get over it.

This time, I wish with everything I possess that I can be wrong.

But there's no mistake.

I'm sure I'm right.
posted by joviee @ 11:46:00 PM


Think I got out of the wrong side of the bed today..

NEW LEAF TOMORROW!

No more procrastination, it's a promise(:
posted by joviee @ 11:09:00 AM


My Worst Nightmare


Why now.. and such cruelty, with a long, terrible one of such a tender, heartbreaking subject just when I've thought I've finally managed release.

As a personal test, I've force-tortured myself today. First with the sweetest, happiest and most passionate memories, then the worst, most bitter images that I imagined would come eventually.

I'm in an extreme state of fragility now. I can't allow myself to further break down with recollection of the above.


We were in and out of a pub.

The memory is obscure.. fading with every second.


Him looking me right in the eyes and telling me clearly, though with slight hesitation.

"I don't love you anymore."

I remember forced-kissing him at a point. He was gentle, he didn't push me away, but he was firm. No reciprocation at all. I gave up and stopped in the end.

He was talking in an almost casual manner about a girl he's interested in. I think she works in the pub. I saw her, she was smiling shyly at him.. I'm a little unsure of this point. The girl was on the larger side, but she looked moderately pretty. Even a little wild. I can't remember anything else about her except that she was dark. Not Indian though. Probably African-American?

He told me she was a girl confident of herself, despite her size. And something about.. not wanting a relationship, that he liked her and yes, sex was a factor in this love interest.

"You have a piece of meat placed in front of you, why don't you take it?"

I questioned his interest repeatedly, bombarded him with 'are-you-sure's.
Everytime, his answer was a definite yes.

"I have emotions too Jovina.."

In the nightmare, he seemed nonchalant about the fact that I was hurting terribly, bordering on insanity, and that with every word he was ripping my heart into a million little shreds.


Oh yes.

Curious, curious, were the careful plotting of dialogue and details, that made this horror story screaming with realism.

Before I left (my dad came to pick me up?!), he whispered in my ear "I don't like you looking like a tomboy."

I think I was wearing jeans.

Turning the clock a few months back to the time when we started dating, I can vividly remember him saying something similar everytime I wore pants.


When I woke up, I laid at least 5 minutes on my bed, reeling from the shock and pain. Treading on the thin line between a dream from hell and reality.

Am I alright?

After experiencing the after-effects of my worst nightmare, I'm not okay, definitely.

I wonder whether it resulted on my constant harping on of the subject.


But I have to keep to my new leaf.

A fag and some sleep.. that's what I need.
posted by joviee @ 5:00:00 AM

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