Friday, May 05, 2006
May 05, 2006
The Last Goodbye (for now)
Yes, I've told him everything I wanted to say. No more regrets.
Whether he replies or not.. I'll be sticking to what I said.
For now I'm contented just to be his friend. A friend who'll be there unconditionally. Whatever happens, I'll be there if ever he needs me. I'm not asking for anything in return. It's enough to know the one you love's well and happy. I hope he always remembers, for him I'll always be only a call away..
Sometimes, I wonder if I'm making life difficult for myself. Why not just forget him, the past and move on totally? It was only then it struck me, despite the hurt, the pain, I still long to be with him. My love for him remains, maybe even deeper, and stronger.
I've heard all the textbook replies to getting over a failed relationship. "There are better people out there. Better-looking, more highly educated, wealthier background, older and more matured guys are everywhere." And also the standard "He's not worth your time. You're too good for him, you're so much better than this."
At the beginning, I wasn't very sure of him. It took me time to accept him. He wasn't the type.. my type of guy. I thought him not cute enough. Not tall enough. Not deep enough. His redeeming traits were that he was coherent in English, and his relentless pursue of myself. But over time, I grew to love him. His independence, his intellect, his affection, his fragility, his possesiveness.. Everything.
I've only felt emotions as intense for one other person all my life. With both of them, I look at guys with unseeing eyes. The thought of finding a new love never occur to me, not even subconsciously. I accept and cherish friendship with guys, but I turn away at the thought or hint of anything more.
Friendship is the only alternative he left me, and I'll take it, embrace it with everything I have.
I accept it because there's too much pain, hurt and misunderstandings between us now. Time will heal this. Time apart from Victoria, my best friend, made me forget her little flaws, even though I loved her despite them.
So, as much as I yearn for the comfort of his arms, I understand, at least that it's momentarily impossible. We've both learned to live without each other in our everyday lives. The sudden expectations that will arise from reconcilation will be too much for us, and I know we'll end up breaking apart eventually. I love him, but I love my friends too. If he tells me, "We'll get back together if you can give up your friends", I know I'll agree to it. But will I be truly happy..?
I remember a time when I felt true happiness, and bliss. It was when I had my friends back, and I still retained his love. Though it didn't last, I'll never forget how it felt. Life just seemed beautiful.
And even though sometimes I go crazy wondering what's going on with his life, I accept that I have no right over it, and I don't brood that much. Questions like "Who did you talk to today?", "Any new girl?" tires both of us dreadfully, and elevates the ill-feeling between us.
I never doubted that he really loved me. Nobody can dispute that fact.
I can't help smiling as I remember our first msn conversation. Hints of love at first sight, and the last "I'm attracted to you - sleep on that." Is it possible to light up that spark again? If we erased everything, the history of the past together and the love and hurt we've been through, if we're two strangers meeting for the first time, I wonder if he'll feel the same.
Have I changed since? The hairstyle, maybe. What charmed him then? I've never thought to ask.
He told me he doesn't know what will happen. Maybe if the right girl comes along.. he wouldn't remain single.
If we met once again as strangers, will I be that right girl? Imagine he had a memory loss and then he met me again. Will I be the one again?
I can promise, confidently that I will remain single Sam. I don't expect you to do so. I know it's only a matter of time for you. But deep down, I hope that I've made a difference. I hope that I've set a benchmark for your girlfriends in future. That no one can just stroll casually into your life and replace me. That you'll find it difficult to love someone as deeply as you loved me.
Of course.. I wish to retain the Most Loved title.
I'll be happy for you if you find someone you really love again. Pain is non-deniable, but I'll really wish you all the best, from the sincerity of my heart. Even then I believe I'll still be loving you, only in silence. I'll hate myself if I ever become a cause of unhappiness between you and the future girlfriend, if any.
Sometimes, I wonder why you think of finding love elsewhere. There's a girl in front of you, who loves you with everything she has. You once loved her, so the problem doesn't lies with her, but the many events and issues that has happened between the two of you. Can it really not be solved?
But like I said, I know that this is not the time.
Remember me. Remember us.
Nobody can love you as much as I do.
Can you really love someone as much as you loved me?
There are no promises between us, but know this. That I'm waiting for you. That I'll never give up on you. This period of non-contact might allow you to forget me, but for me, I'm using it to mould myself into the perfect individuelle you'll someday learn to love again.
I'm fighting a war against myself. When I've overcome and won the battle, that's when I'll fight for you again. I love you.
posted by joviee @ 4:55:00 AM