Tuesday, May 02, 2006
May 02, 2006.
My Worst Nightmare
Why now.. and such cruelty, with a long, terrible one of such a tender, heartbreaking subject just when I've thought I've finally managed release.
As a personal test, I've force-tortured myself today. First with the sweetest, happiest and most passionate memories, then the worst, most bitter images that I imagined would come eventually.
I'm in an extreme state of fragility now. I can't allow myself to further break down with recollection of the above.
We were in and out of a pub.
The memory is obscure.. fading with every second.
Him looking me right in the eyes and telling me clearly, though with slight hesitation.
"I don't love you anymore."
I remember forced-kissing him at a point. He was gentle, he didn't push me away, but he was firm. No reciprocation at all. I gave up and stopped in the end.
He was talking in an almost casual manner about a girl he's interested in. I think she works in the pub. I saw her, she was smiling shyly at him.. I'm a little unsure of this point. The girl was on the larger side, but she looked moderately pretty. Even a little wild. I can't remember anything else about her except that she was dark. Not Indian though. Probably African-American?
He told me she was a girl confident of herself, despite her size. And something about.. not wanting a relationship, that he liked her and yes, sex was a factor in this love interest.
"You have a piece of meat placed in front of you, why don't you take it?"
I questioned his interest repeatedly, bombarded him with 'are-you-sure's.
Everytime, his answer was a definite yes.
"I have emotions too Jovina.."
In the nightmare, he seemed nonchalant about the fact that I was hurting terribly, bordering on insanity, and that with every word he was ripping my heart into a million little shreds.
Oh yes.
Curious, curious, were the careful plotting of dialogue and details, that made this horror story screaming with realism.
Before I left (my dad came to pick me up?!), he whispered in my ear "I don't like you looking like a tomboy."
I think I was wearing jeans.
Turning the clock a few months back to the time when we started dating, I can vividly remember him saying something similar everytime I wore pants.
When I woke up, I laid at least 5 minutes on my bed, reeling from the shock and pain. Treading on the thin line between a dream from hell and reality.
Am I alright?
After experiencing the after-effects of my worst nightmare, I'm not okay, definitely.
I wonder whether it resulted on my constant harping on of the subject.
But I have to keep to my new leaf.
A fag and some sleep.. that's what I need.
posted by joviee @ 5:00:00 AM